How to use the library: :: Wessex Scene Online

How to use the library:

8th February 2006
Ben Parker

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As the deadline to hand in essays at the end of the first semester approaches, many students are heading to libraries outside Southampton in a vague, and usually vain, attempt to find information that hasn’t already been plagiarised by half the University which they can copy verbatim and attach their own name to. One of the most popular of these is the British Library in London. The Wessex Scene is proud to show you the British Library’s new guide for the first-time visitor:

Welcome to the British Library!

1. Upon entering, please strip down to your underwear. This is a measure we have had to introduce due to the many people trying to steal our precious books. Also, keep your eyes fully open at all times. Books can be hidden under eyelids. We’re not saying you’re guilty of book stealing. But you could be. Strip!

2. Do not touch the books; your guilty, sweaty hands will smear the ink. Instead, the staff will read several feet in front of you and mouth the words. You cannot bring pens or pencils in to the library, so you’ll have to remember what they mouth to you. Also, do not look at the books in the staff members’ hands, as your stare may damage them. People with sharp faces may have to have them sanded down.

3. No talking or mobile phones in the library. If you lose your friends, make more. Try the staff. They have some great stories about how they used to run gas chambers for the Nazis.

4. Do not leave non-readers unattended. Unattended people will be immediately confiscated and may be destroyed.

5. Failure to conform to the standards of behaviour set by this vague simulacrum of an institution will result in severe punishment, such as suddenly not being treated with contempt by the staff, and being treated like you are a person. This will baffle you.

6. No books are kept on site. No pointing out the irony of this, or the fact that this makes the library basically a taxi rank for books is permitted.

Thank you for reading this guide to the British Library. Please do not hesitate to tell the staff if you feel in any way convenienced.