News in Brief: Weather controlled by squirrels........ :: Wessex Scene Online

News in Brief: Weather controlled by squirrels........

25th November 2006

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May 06 - Squirrels going nuts - terror ensues
Nov 06 - The state of the Union
Dec 06 - Argh!
Oct 06 - Science in Brief
Mar 08 - Nick and Emmeline take the first shots in the Wessex Scene ‘Battle of the Sexes’

Weather controlled by squirrels - Scientists in Paraguay have located a gene in squirrels that may be responsible for the weather. With clouds of confusion surrounding the discovery one reporter suggests "Squirrels collect nuts". Sources are poor and logic slapdash, but the impact of such a breakthrough could place squirrels above dogs as ‘man’s best friend’.

Norwegian Awareness Day - After pressure from the European Union the British government has allowed Norway Awareness Day (NAD) to go ahead. It is a little known fact that Norwegians are unable to walk without a little bit of wee coming out but NAD intends to bring this, and more, to light. The procession will be held in greater London along the Thames to prevent flooding.

The internet is all pretend - A mass of spectacled geeks have spent seconds working out that the internet is not actually real. As a mere figment of everybody’s imagination the internet has now been branded the world’s biggest nothing. One nerd is quoted as saying: "It is a vehicle that solicits hatred," we don’t know what this means but it sounds bad.

Meal or No Meal - The RSPCPP (Royal Society for the Protection of Cruelty to Poor People) has devised a scheme not dissimilar to Noel Edmonds trashy TV show. A bowl of soup, 22 boxes and one question: ‘meal or no meal’.

North vs South - Local councils in the Watford area have agreed to draw a line separating north from south. This has sparked riots along the border and a mass exodus from the north. Experts believe within three months the entire north of England will have migrated south.