Top ten places to have sex :: Wessex Scene Online

Top ten places to have sex

25th May 2007
Phil Webb

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May 09 - Taste Southampton Differently
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Earlier in the year, we accidentally portrayed the Library as the sex-addict’s place of choice, tantamount to a dogging hot-spot. Aside from the obvious benefits of improving your grades and sexual repertoire, as you thrash it out between Darwin and Dickens, you should put a hold on that reserve collection of the Kama Sutra; The Wessex Scene many complaints that other areas have been over-looked, here are some of their submissions.

Graduation ceremony:
After three years many students are left feeling like they don’t know their coursemates well enough. This is the ideal place for those lustfully looking during the dreary seminars, a chance to make a move on the unknown quantity you glanced hands as you both reached for the latest handout. Alternatively, you are one of those blokes who sit at the back so you can look down people’s tops in the tiered lecture theatres. There is no better place to capitalise; it’s already hot and sticky, and very dull, plus everyone makes a special effort to looks nice. Furthermore, post-coital you have an ideal chance to directly meet all the in-laws outside and share a glass of Pimms. Be wise in your choice of partner, the only clap you really want is when you collect your degree. By the way, if a grey haired man asks you to bend down…

The John Hansard gallery:
Winchester students don’t seem to be having much fun, but make the most of what we do have – this lovenest will suit the tastes of the more cultured among you, one can perform very publicly. Some art descends very much into the obscure so if anyone questions why you are pulling off a 69 – just carry on and pretend you’re part of the latest exhibition providing a social critique of societies inhibitions. If you get caught on CCTV you can pass it off as an "installation" and submit it to the next Turner Prize.

Moving to the new complex in 2011, time is running out, act quickly.

Jesters dance floor:
The question is, would anyone actually notice? It has the potential to become a very sweaty and messy swingers party. Some say the only way of finding out your partner would be random DNA testing on all children born to members of the AU the year after. In terms of performance, you can choose to selectively remember what happened, and just assume you were great, the likelihood being quite the opposite.

Also recommend: Kaos, a different clientele, same principle.

The Common:
Well, it’s happening there anyway, you might as well go out and join the fun. I’ve heard speculation that the Northern end is for veterans, but that’s only a rumour. So best to just find a nice bush in the middle.

Good for the outdoors types, as a treat in the summer you can always share a Mr. Whippy (if you’re into pseudo-masochism) or cool off in the lake. In the Winter, you’ll just freeze – which might encourage you to work harder.

Also recommended: Botantical Gardens, do you even know where they are? Glen Eyre pond.

Mountbatten ashes:
Certainly commemorative, a lot of new and exciting things were created by ECS – why not carry on the tradition on their behalf, although very creative it does have a dangerous element whilst it is still a building site, so make sure you take all your protective gear and test out that hard hat. Make sure you do it in daylight as you don’t want to mistakenly hump a builder and make him angry.

Also recommended: Boldrewood, continue your development.

Southampton General Hospital:
SGH is the perfect place to cater for your needs from conception to birth - just a few rooms down the corridor. In and out of the wards health professionals develop quite a bond between them, so taking it a step further shouldn’t be a problem, and there are definitely plenty of beds available. Although you don’t want to be picking up some nasty viruses. Parking is a bit of a problem, so I’d get the…

Uni-link bus:
Great for fans of a bumpy ride. B&Cs brought in more double-deckers, mainly to give privacy for those getting it on upstairs. The main downside is the rates have gone up to Ł1.20, and with that increase less students attempting it. Uni-link is for the natural performer, hence the includsion of poles, as a bonus feature, when the pleasure is too much you just press stop. Great! It’s so easy to get off.

NOC:
There are often complaints that sites are underrepresented, well not in the Wessex Scene! Once you’ve got the U6 down there, 9 to 5 cooped up, there is very little social activity, apart from a vending machine, the sexual tension is comparable to the Big Brother house. Make the most of the multi-million pound research Vessel (James Cooke) which looks oddly like Titanic. You can easily find someone to re-enact the scenes from film; by which I mean the nakedness and the painting and the romantic bits, not the sinking and the death. That is definitely not on the agenda.

On a local resident:
SUSU has been pushing for more integration in the local community, you can do what you like, as long as you do it quietly, even better, ask permission first. Furthermore, as we’ve been covering the unseen Southampton - go on tour. What’s holding you back? Actually, just do it with a local, it might cheer up some residents.

Jubilee Sports Centre:
Carrying on a few other philosophies, if you’re looking for a physical activity, what better place for a full body work out. Whilst expanding your horizons you get your value for money on your SportRec card and try out some new equipment at the same time. No need for protein shakes to build muscle, there’s enough love for everyone.

Places to avoid:
Bevois Valley – Probably very arrestable.
Nightingale building entrance – those people in Nurses uniforms are actually Nurses, smash the dream – not all of them are Abi Titmuss replicas, have very busy timetables so probably wouldn’t be able to spare you 3 minutes anyway.
Hartley Library – it’s so passé.

Thanks to CD, EJ, PW, SW and CC