Welcome to the first of our Agony Aunt articles! Our resident Agony Aunt got to work on the first of our problems this month…

Lifestyle Agony Aunt by Ben Morran

Imagery by Ben Morran.

Dear Agony Aunt,

I started seeing a guy last year who was two years above me at uni. He was graduating that summer so we ended things, but he’s still messaging me and occasionally meeting up with me. I know he’s going on dates with other girls but he still makes out that he wants something. I’m not sure what he wants from me, should I just cut contact?

Thanks,

Confused.

Dear Confused,

Was it his idea to end things once leaving uni? Did he say he wanted to be free to apply for whatever job he wanted, whether that be in London, or regular favourite the Navy? Maybe he wanted to take a classic gap yah, and didn’t want to be pining over you whilst dancing on tables in Koh Phangan? But things didn’t turn out that way, and he now finds that, actually, he does have the time to come back and see you regularly.

Unfortunately, he is one of life’s selfish men, thinking he can have his cake and eat it too. And girl, you don’t want to be any old cake. You want to be Mary Berry’s Very Best Chocolate Fudge Cake- soft on the inside, with many wholesome layers, and smooth chocolate finish.

Cut him out. Don’t forget, you’ll be graduating one day too, and suddenly, Mr I-Don’t-Want-To-Commit-But-Still-Sleep-With-You will be a distant memory of your youth as you have the divine opportunity to choose which eligible bachelors you will be saying no to.

Good luck, keep smiling, and maybe make one of those cakes – chocolate makes everything that little bit better.

Agony Aunt.

Lifestyle Agony Aunt2 by Ben Morran
Imagery by Ben Morran.

 

Dear Agony Aunt,

Somebody in my flat keeps taking my stuff. First it was missing cutlery, then I found some of my plates missing and now I think they’ve moved onto my food. My flat all get along really well so I don’t want to create any awkward situations, but it’s getting really annoying and I’m afraid I might come home one day to an empty cupboard and/or fridge. Should I confront him/her or am I just overreacting?

Thanks,

Forkless

Dear Forkless,

Maybe they’re selling all your plates and cutlery to international students and you’re really missing out on a money-making scheme? In all seriousness you will probably find them stacked in a very neat, but very dirty pile under their desk in their room, with leftover contents of Roosters’ chicken sticking them together. You know what they say: if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em! Eat out of the pan, saves on washing up. Buy chopsticks, a skill everyone should learn! Chances are, they’ll be forced to bring them out of their hideout, where you can then GRAB THEM ALL and initial them. Too far? Same goes for the food situation: starve them out, so they have no option but to buy their own food. Could be problematic as this means that apart from takeaways, you then have no food either, which is neither economic nor healthy. Alternatively, you could just call everyone together and calmly raise the situation. Tell your friends that if they couldn’t afford plates or spoons or food of their own, they could’ve asked you for money. Just don’t be a note leaver – everyone hates them.

Good luck! The cupboard is always half full when you taco’ bout your problems (sorry).

Your food-punny Agony Aunt.

Dear Agony Aunt,

I hooked up with this girl during Freshers’ week and now I don’t know how to get rid of her. She stays in my flat, cooks breakfast, asks me what I want for dinner and now she’s befriending my flatmates. It’s been a few months now and everyone refers to her as my girlfriend, but honestly I’m not really that into her. How do I tell her the truth without hurting her feelings?

Thanks,

Knackered

Dear Knackered,

Newsflash: that’s because she IS your girlfriend. It’s an inevitable sequence of events: sex turns into snuggling which turns into PILLOW TALK AND TELLING EACH OTHER YOUR DEEPEST FEARS and sooner or later, you can’t live without one another. At least, that’s how she feels anyway.

You have one of two possible solutions. Number one: the ‘freeze out’ move, replying to her messages less and less until one day, you reply no more. You may feel like you’re sparing her feelings, but in reality, this is a more painful method than solution number two: telling her the truth. Quick and painful, but then at least she has the time to be upset with her girlfriends and then move the hell on. She’ll thank you for it in the end, and then she’ll be ready to move on and meet a guy who does want to date her.

Just don’t tell her in a public place – that’s not cool, for anyone involved.

Agony Aunt.

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