It is a claim made by many a road-side zealot, held aloft on placards and on banners, emblazoned in letters somewhat ironically garish and flamboyant. Why, though do they make the claim? Do they claim to know with absolute intimacy the mind of a deity well enough to claim that they, and they alone speak on his behalf? It seems odd to me that God would need someone to speak for him, like he’s some manner of trained monkey who requires a patient keeper to translate his crude sign-language into intelligible English. This seems unlikely to me, but, hey ho, onwards I go in my quest to try and assess why exactly it is that these people seem to think that God hates fags?

We will start out with the great Sigmund Freud, a strange little fellow who tried to claim that all boys wanted to shag their mothers, when it was probably just him. Freud believed that everyone is born with innate bisexuality which is then narrowed down to only one preference over the course of a lifetime. This leads to one conclusion: God makes us a little bit queer, then tells people off when they go too far in one direction. Why implant in everyone such capacity? What exactly is God trying to prove or test? Our resistance to gaiety? Of course, this is all predicated on  the idea that Freud didn’t found a career and a legacy on quackery and pseudoscience, so is probably irrelevant.

I believe that there are two possible explanations. First of which is that God is a fascistic dictator. Think about it. Don’t the parallels between him and Big Brother of “1984” fame seem all the more striking when you consider that God is willing to forbid the undertaking of such arbitrary things as eating shellfish and saying his name as an exclamation of pain or shock? That doesn’t seem like the behaviour of a benevolent and loving father, rather the brutal whims of a totalitarian douchebag. Of course, most seem to forget or conveniently overlook some of the stipulations that are more out of step with modern times. If they can learn to love lobsters, can they not learn to love gays?

Second, and far more likely, is that God is just a massive homophobe. As we all know, a lot of homophobes react negatively to gays so as to try and create a distance between them and the gays, as a way of disguising their own queerness. Case and point: Ted Haggard, an evangelical nutjob from America who railed against gays then was caught using rent boys and smoking crack. Now I’m not saying that God uses rent boys or smokes crack, but Ted Haggard did and God apparently spoke through him, which reflects quite poorly on God. What can we take from this? That, in all likelihood, God is at least a little bit gay himself, and is very insecure about it. Is God in the closet? Surely not, no, no way, he never talks about love for your fellow man… oh wait.

We can deduce quite quickly that God’s probably a little confused. Maybe Freud’s right, in that case. Maybe God does make us all bisexual so he can live vicariously through the ones who really, really love their fellow men (or women). If so, that’s kind of sad. Why can’t he just accept himself, why does he have to take out his insecurity on innocent homosexuals everywhere?  Unless, of course, those silly old zealots have been telling untruths, but that’s never happen, right? They’d never misrepresent the words of their deity to give effect to their own prejudices… right?

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  • alan
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    this of course all assuming that god actually exists, which obviously would make their arguments even more irrelevant

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  • hello
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    wow. Even if this is supposed to be a joke, it is probably the most ill-informed and offensive article i have ever read and im not even a Christian. Christians don’t hate gays, if you take the minority who do (and shouldn’t be allowed to call themselves Christians at all) then you are making a massive generalisation. Just because a few muslims where responsible for 9/11 doesnt mean Islam is made up of suicide bombers.

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    Buddy Guy
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    Way to miss the point. When is the term Christians ever used? No, they are referred as zealots and the word Christians was studiously avoided so as to try and avoid idiots getting the wrong end of the stick. If you had bothered to read this critically, or even at all, you’d see that the point is that God isn’t any of the above things, if he does exist, and that those people who try to use the bible to justify their views are misrepresenting the bible to “give effect to their own prejudices.”

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