Following the destruction caused by Hurricane Sandy, a homosexual couple in Suffolk have stepped forward to take responsibility for the event and countless others before it.
Chris Green, 43, approached the media after US preacher John McTernan suggested that the hurricane was a direct result of acceptance of gay marriage and confirmed that it was in fact correct that the actions of himself and his partner, Phil Stevens, were to blame.
“There was no use pretending any more. Phil and I making love has been the cause of every major disaster of recent years. Hurricane Sandy, Katrina, the Boxing Day tsunami, the Paris Hilton movie The Hottie and the Nottie. Those were all our fault. We don’t know how it happens, but, as always, those radical evangelists were right on the money.”
When asked to comment, McTernan was found to be confused and irritable:
“I wasn’t even believing my own bullshit at this stage. Hell, it goes down great with the rednecks, but I never thought I was right.”
In relation to claims that McTernan linked Hurricane Isaac earlier this year to simultaneous LGBT proceedings in New Orleans, the preacher said:
“Look, man, I’m just clutching at straws. I had to blame someone, I’m way out of my league here. I can’t accuse illiterate trailer trash with 18 kids on benefits, that’s my fanbase.”
Mr Green and Mr Stevens have been together 20 years, and regret all the harm they have caused in that time:
“We’re both very sorry we neglected to tell anyone for so long. We know it’s very selfish,” said Green. “The first time we kissed in the street a dog got hit by a car. The first time I gave Phil a handjob, back in 1994, it kick-started a civil war in Yemen. Everything started in Libya that weekend we spent at a hotel in Tenerife. It’s a hassle, but we’ve just got to live with it.”
Mr Green reckons that he and his partner should even take responsibility for every tragedy since the 1960’s, because “why not, homosexuality probably caused those too.” By this reasoning, a propensity for anal sex was the cause of the Vietnam War, the assassination of Martin Luther King, and Vanilla Ice.