Following the destruction caused by Hurricane Sandy, a homosexual couple in Suffolk have stepped forward to take responsibility for the event and countless others before it.

Chris Green, 43, approached the media after US preacher John McTernan suggested that the hurricane was a direct result of acceptance of gay marriage and confirmed that it was in fact correct that the actions of himself and his partner, Phil Stevens, were to blame.

“There was no use pretending any more. Phil and I making love has been the cause of every major disaster of recent years. Hurricane Sandy, Katrina, the Boxing Day tsunami, the Paris Hilton movie The Hottie and the Nottie. Those were all our fault. We don’t know how it happens, but, as always, those radical evangelists were right on the money.”

More reliable than the BBC.

When asked to comment, McTernan was found to be confused and irritable:

“I wasn’t even believing my own bullshit at this stage. Hell, it goes down great with the rednecks, but I never thought I was right.”

In relation to claims that McTernan linked Hurricane Isaac earlier this year to simultaneous LGBT proceedings in New Orleans, the preacher said:

“Look, man, I’m just clutching at straws. I had to blame someone, I’m way out of my league here. I can’t accuse illiterate trailer trash with 18 kids on benefits, that’s my fanbase.”

Mr Green and Mr Stevens have been together 20 years, and regret all the harm they have caused in that time:

“We’re both very sorry we neglected to tell anyone for so long. We know it’s very selfish,” said Green. “The first time we kissed in the street a dog got hit by a car. The first time I gave Phil a handjob, back in 1994, it kick-started a civil war in Yemen. Everything started in Libya that weekend we spent at a hotel in Tenerife. It’s a hassle, but we’ve just got to live with it.”

Mr Green reckons that he and his partner should even take responsibility for every tragedy since the 1960’s, because “why not, homosexuality probably caused those too.” By this reasoning, a propensity for anal sex was the cause of the Vietnam War, the assassination of Martin Luther King, and Vanilla Ice.

85 Comments »

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  • Claire
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    “I wasn’t even believing my own bullshit at this stage. Hell, it goes down great with the rednecks, but I never thought I was right.”

    ah, i always knew they fully believed what they preached.

    Reply

  • Luke Goodger
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    I gave Phil a handjob, back in 1994, it kick-started a civil war in Yemen, Green needs to write a history book.

    Reply

  • Disgusted American
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    hey people of UK – this is the kind of CRAP we here in America deal with on a daily basis, BuybUll thumpwers / mainly WHITE Trash / toothless wonders who vote republican and against thier own interests cause’ they’re escared of the gays,and dark people……half of America is full of thiese sicko, weirdo BuyBULL Thumpers…..HELP!!!!!!

    Reply

    HappyToHelpBrit
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    Dont worry, all the none bible bashers should move here and leave the rest behind, see how they enjoy the dark ages.

    Reply

    Michael
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    Oh no….You don’t want to leave those people in control of all the nukes. They’ll use them to act out the Rapture.

    Reply

    GeaVox
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    Nah… you got confused, Brit… They are in the dark ages, we are in Dave & Nick’s Bank Ages!

    Reply

    Judy
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    They’ll never move to England. You guys are socialists! LOL

    Reply

    GaaVox
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    @Judy Britain has a hereditary monarch and a Royal House, a stupendously wealthy and privileged, land-owning aristocracy, a High Church with a Synod made up of aristocratic and powerful Bishops, a House of Lords, which includes the Law Lords and the Lord Chancellor, some of whom are still hereditary Peers who won a significant slice of the Country, with the Crown owning much of the remainder, including the whole of the sea bed in territorial waters, and its Civil Service is run primarily by the sons and daughters of the Aristorcacy.

    In 1995 New Labour renounced Socialism when Tory… (ooops sorry) Tony B-lair became Leader of the Party and abolished Clause IV, part 4, rewording it to decouple the Party from its former Socialist ideals and wholeheartedly embracing capitalism, but describing it as “democratic socialism” which shares as much of its DNA with socialism as Bombay Duck does with aquatic birds of the ‘Anatidae’ family!

    There is less political divergence between Conservatives and New Labour than there is between Democrats and Republicans.

    The fact that your country has a political continuum that heavily lists to the right, ranging from the ultra right-wing, criminally insane proponents of the Tea Party, to the chronically tared, inbred, slavering religious fanatic hillbillies, Climate Change Deniers and the merely rabid right-wing republicans, to the the merely capitalist democrats, does not make America a Fascist Nation anymore than the continuum from New Labour to Liberal-Democrats and Conservatives makes Britain Socialist.

    FYI: McCarty was censuredin 1954, the House Committee on Un-American Activities was abolished in 1975, China liberalised its socialist economy to allow capitalist profiteering, in 1978 and the Soviet Union dissolved in 1991.

    When will Americans let go of McCarthy’s ghost?
    We keep telling you: THERE ARE NO REDS UNDER YOUR BEDS!

    LOLOLOL!

    Reply

    pamelawy
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    Oh, DA, I am SOOOOO with you! You forgot mouth breathing knuckle draggers.

    Reply

    kelly
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    dont worry disgusted american. when the homophobes read this their heads will explode. ergo, problem solved.

    Reply

    ThoroughlyModernMonroe
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    Sleepover at my place? We can eat marshmallows and plot out the Gay Agenda.

    Reply

    Susie
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    I love this comment! And yes… :) As soon as I can get a ticket to the UK <3

    Reply

    ireallymeanthis
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    I just feel so much sympathy for you,Disgusted.That’s all

    Reply

  • Disgusted American
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    ..and Half of those BuyBull thumpers are Obese SLOBS….last time I remembered GLUTTONY was a DEADLY sin!!

    Reply

    bluescrn
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    Bashing the obese isn’t much better than bashing homosexuals :(

    Reply

    oscar
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    not really…
    obesity is a choice. being gay is not.

    Reply

    butchladee
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    Funny. I have been fat all my life, diets and stuff never worked…but I chose to be gay. I could be happily married and hetero, in fact, men totally turn me on, but fuck I love being queer. Seriously. Best decision I ever made.

    Reply

    m far
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    Heh. You said “butt fuck”.

    Reply

    correctingbadlogic
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    I think he’s talking about the kind of people who pour a bucket of KFC down their throats and call it “lunch”. People come in all different shapes and sizes, but some of them can’t even walk more than 50 yards… Being fat isn’t a choice, but eating is a choice, and choosing to eat too much all of the time is a choice that has easily foreseeable consequences. :)

    Reply

  • Peter
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    10/10 would read again

    Reply

  • Paul
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    Brilliant! I actually thought the same thing, I’m gay and today I had lovely new potatoes for supper, this only caused a mild hurricane. I try not to do anything drastic. If I had a partner goodness knows what destruction we could cause.

    Incidentally, if God really did hate gay marriage,don’t you think he’d have let Romney get voted in?

    Reply

    colleen
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    “Incidentally, if God really did hate gay marriage,don’t you think he’d have let Romney get voted in?”

    No, no, no…. Satan and his minions were responsible for that. God is responsible when Republicans shoot unarmed teenagers or rape a woman or child.

    Reply

    Nikflorida
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    Somebody should get Jesus to see if he can talk some sense into his brother.

    Reply

    Jennifer
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    LOL… I love your comment @Paul. Apparently, there are a lot of us responsible for tragic events that have occurred. I wonder what we’ll be the cause of next? Better yet, I wonder what will happen when my partner and I tie the knot next year… LOL

    Reply

    GeaVox
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    My partner and I tied the knot and David Cameron got elected….

    WE’RE REALLY, REALLY, REALLY SORREEEEEE!
    :o(

    Reply

    lyddel
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    Actually the way I look at it: If God really hated gay people, then why did he make them gay in the first place. That sounds kinda harsh, doesn’t it?

    Reply

  • Catherine Haig
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    OMG – I’m not alone anymore ! GASP! and here I thought it was all me and my partner Maryann!!!

    Thanks be to all that is holy – my underwear – it’s not just….GASP – ME!

    Reply

  • Alex
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    That preacher is remarkably frank.

    Reply

  • GuiltyHantsGays
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    Chris and Phil – thank you so much for taking the heat. My partner and I have been together for 18 years and the guilt was beginning to make us ill. All those disasters – all that responsibility! We are happy to stand alongside you and help shoulder some of the blame.
    However, there is absolutely no way we will accept responsibility for Vanilla Ice – or JEdward!!

    Reply

  • sharon
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    Gotta love these Guys although their insurance premiums are gonna go sky high once the claims start coming to them now its not an act of God anymore.

    Reply

  • Sam Everard
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    Thank you to everyone who has shared and read this so far, it means a lot! And thank you to everyone who realised this is a piece of satire, and it’s all fictional. The preacher is real, but his quotes definitely aren’t.

    Reply

  • Mike Hitchcock
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    Anal sex being the cause of Vanilla Ice – yeah, that I can understand.

    Reply

  • Bob
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    This kind of brilliant satire is exactly what we need to get people to THINK about their (and/or others’) arcane beliefs and get them to realize how silly, antiquated and ultimately dangerous they are. Holding a mirror and a spotlight on the religious fanatics & homophobes (is that redundant?) can & will do more than trying to ‘reason’ with them. Sorry to be serious about such a funny, well-written piece but at its core, it continues doing good well after the chuckling subsides.

    Reply

  • Bert The Raccoon
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    So it’s not an “Act Of God” anymore, it’s an “Act of Chris and Phil”…all those insurance contracts that will have to be changed too make them legal…

    Almighty Chris and Phil, hear our prayers…! ;-P

    Reply

    GaaVox
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    … yeah verily! PLEASE STOP MAKING F*ING. IT’S BUGGERING-UP OUR WEATHER!

    Reply

  • Blair Edgar
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    You just gotta love Chris and Phil ……….. but the really interesting thing in here is the reponse of the American preacher man. White TRASH he is.

    Reply

    Deep, Mumbai
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    I was born in 1971 and have been wanking to male fantasies since 1981. Guess what? Hurricane Katrina (1981)!
    I had my first rim job with a gay male classmate in 1986. Guess what? Hurricane Charley (1986)!
    Nowadays I wank every night thinking of nude men. Gawd ‘L Maity I cause all these disasters “single- handedly”. I even have sex exclusively with men.
    I guess my pecker is to blame. Rev. McTernan how may I be absolved of all my sins? Should I take your tongue up my posterior orifice so that you can recite your cleansing chants? Pray tell!

    Reply

    GeaVox
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    Ahem.. Katrina was NOT in 1981, It was 2005! Either that or your mother was in labour a really, REALLY long time!

    Reply

    Chris
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    Actually there was a Hurricane Katrina in 1981 too.

    Reply

    GaaVox
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    Aw, man! They’re recycling Hurricanes already?! Apologies to Deep… :D

    Reply

  • Vivian
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    This is HORRIBLE! I don’t think any single sane person can actually believe this. I mean it’s absurd! Blaming one couple for every atrocity from Milli Vanilli to Paris Hilton, every civil war and natural disaster is absolutely unfathomable! This HAS to be a joke. No one’s this stupid. Then again… here we are… There have been homosexuals since the dawn of time and all of a sudden they’re capable of producing global corruption and divine intervention? Get real! This is the biggest load of Hogwash I’ve ever heard – and I’ve heard Fred Phelps talk! This is worse than his religious fanaticism and twice as moronic (which is saying something). These two just need a dose of reality. They come in little white pills now and a comfortable jacket with long talks to a strange professional. Seriously guys, committ yourself before you badmouth your entire orientation!

    Reply

    Sam Everard
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    Congratulations for completely missing the point that this is satire, and therefore all untrue. The couple doesn’t exist, the preacher’s quotes aren’t real, so there’s nothing for you to get so misguidedly confused about.

    Reply

    GuiltyHantsGays
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    Sam E.,
    As you’re probably aware, I got the point of this “article”. I found it amusing and attempted to join in, offering our support to the courageous gay couple who were willing to take the heat.
    You will never succeed in 100% understanding of satire, the same way 100% understanding of “sexual orientation” will not be achieved in our life-times.
    I congratulate you on your article. If some have mistaken your satirical dig at these preachers as completely genuine, then you have surely achieved your goal.
    ;-) x

    Reply

    GeaVox
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    Well, yep Vivian, but the good preacher would argue that there have been cataclysms since the dawn of time :D He just can’t cope with how intense gay and lesbian sex IS! We can’t help it if when we do it the earth (and heavens!) move! It’s just the way we’re made! :D

    Reply

  • FurryFeral
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    OMG Vanilla Ice is dead? WTF Mr Green and Mr Stevens are responsible for not telling me!!

    Reply

    FurryFeral
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    Darnit!!They lied!! Vanilla Ice is alive!!

    Reply

    Lala
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    Could you two stop it? ;)

    Reply

    GeaVox
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    @FurryFeral… mmm, probably also the fault of gays and us lesbians :/

    Reply

  • Ryan
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    vanilla ice? let’s not confuse blessings with tragedy.

    Reply

  • Sam
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    This article is just a blatant rip-off of a vice article. Well done. http://m.vice.com/en_uk/read/hurricane-sandy-caused-by-the-gays-john-mcternan

    Reply

    Sam Everard
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    You’ve accused me of stealing because my article features the same idiot preacher as another, but the content’s actually very different. Well done.

    Reply

  • Jennifer
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    Well, my partner and I have weddings plans in the future. Look out everyone, here comes the big one!!! LOL

    Reply

    FurryFeral
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    The big one what? we already had the big bang at beginning o’ time..so you threatening to end the world now? thanks for the warning!

    Reply

  • Robert van LIeshout-Hendrix
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    Some Christians must be so happy to have gay people in this world, so they can blame them for stuff that went wrong. They already started this in the 12th century and are still not done…Maybe because they are not that good in taking their own responsibility? And accept things as they are at times?

    Reply

  • Emma
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    In response more to the comments…
    I’m Southern American and Christian and my God loves everyone, and has Grace for everyone and no one needs to change! (unless you’re trans…? But God still loves you no matter your gender). God created a diverse creation through some means (evolution, creationism, evolution) and we’re all a part of it. =)

    Reply

    butchladee
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    Amen.

    Reply

    Luna
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    you realize that god also created trans people so by your definition you shouldn’t exclude them. they don’t have to change anything if they don’t want to. in fact they shouldn’t change if they feel good the way they are.

    Reply

    Emma
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    Right. What I was trying to say is trans people can change if they want and that’s ok; but there’s not need to change to fit a “norm” or to gain God’s love or anything like that. Sorry for any confusion.

    Reply

    GeaVox
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    Well, if Gawd loves us, why did he make Repubiclicecans?

    Reply

  • not disclosed
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    Wow, ignorance at it’s best!

    Reply

    Lawreate
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    WOW, grammar at its best!

    Reply

  • Joshua Lovell
    avatar

    I am a Christian, but these ‘Holier Than Thou’ “Christians” make me sick! They are just like the Pharisees! Go ahead and cast some more stones! Turn some more people away! These people give Christianity a bad name! No wonder people never give it a chance! With self righteous pricks like this “man of God” running around, do you blame them??! May God extend His grace to people who are led astray by these “Christians”

    Reply

    Paul
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    Well said Joshua :-)

    I am as well.

    Reply

    Paul
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    Oh yes, and I”m gay .

    Reply

    jaspen
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    Josua, there is a BIG difference between running stop signs and reported a little disinfo on your taxes and homosexual activity. If you are a Christian, as if it makes any difference, remember the story of Sodam and Gomorrah (in which the English words Sodomy and Gonnorea were derived). They were destroyed because the amount of negatives energies that were being created. Every civilization that has embraced homosexual energies have been destroyed, sometimes in very dramatic fashion. Caligula is NOT the way to go. OLYMPUS HAS FALLEN! and will fall again.

    Reply

  • Satan’s Daaawtherrrrr
    avatar

    I protest! It’s my civil partner and MY fault, these two are just trying to steal our thunder!
    WE are the Evil Daughters OF Satan That Caused It ALL!
    WE are responsible for Obama being re-elected!
    WE are causing the Arctic melt!
    WE claim responsibility for all those disasters, don’t believe these two IMPOSTORS, it was US, ALL OUR fault!
    AND we are working hard on reversing the direction of the Earth’s rotation by placing our double bed in the OPPOSITE direction to That Dictated By The Natural Laws Of Nature!!!!!!

    Reply

    Paul
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    I don’t like to think about it as OUR FAULT it’s just we have not learned to control our awesome powers yet.

    Reply

    GeaVox
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    Aw.. and we are also responsible for all those socks that go missing, mysteriously ALL the time!

    Reply

    Bert The Raccoon
    avatar

    Accept responsibility for Vanilla Ice and missing socks, or ye be false prophets!

    (btw, I think Superman already did the “reverse rotation” thing…i’ll blame Zog for that!)

    Reply

    Chris
    avatar

    Wait, does that mean Superman is gay?

    Has anyone told Henry Cavill? If not, I volunteer to be the bearer of such terrible tidings.

    Reply

    GaaVox
    avatar

    Well… DUH! Dja think all those super-tight outfits showing off his pecs to the best advantage, the snazzy hair flick and the showy crotch with pants on the outside were for the GALS?
    If he were straight he’d wear boxers… and that wouldn’t look al that great on a superhero, would it!… grey boxers and a string vest

    Reply

  • James Marna Phil
    avatar

    So I’m guessing Gay Marriage will be legal by the 12th of December this year, 2012 The end of the world… I farted once and caused a massive land slide…

    Reply

  • Nismo
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    I’m hetrosexual but I feel I must be partially responsible for some of these disasters as I only watch lesbian porn.

    Reply

    Paul
    avatar

    ROFL!!!! Brilliant.

    Reply

    GeaVox
    avatar

    Now, now, trying to get in on the act isn’t on, my man! Get your own curses, stop trying to steal our thunder… and lightning…. and rain…. and hailstones… and earth tremors…. and tsunamis….and fire…. and brimstone.. anyway, just git yo’ own gawd cussing!

    Reply

    Nismo
    avatar

    You don’t understand, I watch more lesbian porn than God ever intended so it’s stands to reason that it must be worth at least a couple of famines and a small civil war.

    Reply

    GaaVox
    avatar

    Awwww… OK then.. you can have …. the threat to coffee crops worldwide and …. let’s see… how ’bout the August Riots in the UK, year before last?
    I think that’s more than fair…. after all, it’s very hard to establish and prove exactly HOW MUCH lesbian porn God ACTUALLY intended men to watch…

    Reply

    Bert The Raccoon
    avatar

    Tell us how much there is and we’ll give you an estimate? :-P

    Reply

    GaaVox
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    Aw, well, now.. if we went around trying to find out about ALL the lesbian porn in the world… we’d never have time to make any!

  • rhonda
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    this is so stupid….

    Reply

    GaaVox
    avatar

    which bit the satire or the satire of the satire?

    Reply

  • Dan
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    As they say, “only in america!”

    Reply

  • Mike
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    Does no one understand ironic comedy anymore? ::Deep Heaving Sigh::

    Reply

    Nearly Headless Ned.
    avatar

    Chris Green turned me into a newt.

    Reply

  • jaspen
    avatar

    The energy created by homosexual orgasims are dark and the Satanists rely on this energy in order to continue and expand their stronghold on Earth and Humanity. Has anyone ever wondered why Hollywood has always been so pro-Gay, pushing this every chance they got all the while pushing family lifestyles out of movie, theater and television?? An lets take a look at who is running Hollywood. Hmmm…

    Reply