The USA, once the brightest star in the global firmament, died last night after overdosing on socialism. It comes after the country seemed to have kicked its addiction to the ideology, which had gripped it during the years 2008 and 2009, only to relapse dramatically and publicly in the last few days with the re-election of Barack Obama. Obama, who has yet to be approached for comment, has been widely reviled in most sections of the right-wing media for causing the initial addiction and, apparently, causing the numerous relapses that plagued her during her final years. That he played such an important role in her death will not endear him to the millions of Americans now left without a nation.

One source close to the country is reported to have said, “we knew this would end badly, we tried to warn her, but she didn’t listen.” Tributes have been pouring from around the world for the once great nation, including one message from the United Kingdom posted on twitter not long after the news became public, “OMG, so unbelievably sad! Rest in peace, USA, you’re with the angels now xxxx” Donald Trump, the noted capitalist, is reported to be demanding an inquiry into the country’s death, and said in a press conference earlier today that he fully expected, “the truth to come out” and that, “he hoped Barack Obama was happy with himself.” He then broke down crying and the press had to be ushered out of the room.

This comes as no great surprise to many who had been watching the country, notably those within the Tea Party movement, who today released this statement, “we do not blame the world for ignoring us and our warnings, we blame that snake-oil salesman Obama, whose perversion and depravity have killed the nation we all loved so dearly.” Others who had predicted the demise to the nation included those in the Arab world, which saw widespread scenes of jubilation in response to the news. Leading clerics and officials have yet to issue statements, however, as most are too busy celebrating. Israel has gone into hiding.

America’s greatest achievements include the cotton-gin, World War Two, the Ford Model T, animation, rock and roll, the movie Casablanca and Michael J Fox. Her contributions to the world stage had been erratic of late and a recent string of poor decisions had tarnished her image, but she remained nonetheless an influential figure, not just in the realm of politics, but also in science and the arts. The autopsy is likely to be performed within the next few days. Her death comes as a stark warning to the entire world about the dangers of socialism and begs only one question: what country will socialism kill next?

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  • spellingoutthejokeandtherebykillingit
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    See, it’s even funnier because he’s actually really really not left-wing by any stretch of the term, if you compare him to all the world’s politicians. America has two parties – the conservative party (“democrats”), and the unconstitutionally fascist party (“republicans”). (then there’s the Tea Party, but we’re not talking about them because that way they might just go away without killing anyone =S)

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