Chris Brown is in hospital tonight after a being brutally assaulted by a masked figure known only as “Big Poppa.” Mr Poppa, whose true identity is not yet known to the press, is alleged to have assaulted Brown on his way to a party honouring his achievements as a musician/scumbag. The exact details of the altercation are unknown, but Brown is reported to have said through broken teeth, “I didn’t do nothing to deserve this shit. I hope that bitch rots in jail for this!” All of which demonstrates not only his utter lack of self-awareness, but also his poor grasp of the English language and general unpleasant demeanour.

Mr Brown, who is famous for beating up the much more successful pop-star Rihanna and for getting extremely angry when anyone reminds him of what a colossal douche he is, is currently on probation for said incident in which he beat his girlfriend to a bloody pulp. One would hope that the irony was not lost on him, but chances are it probably is. Rihanna herself could not be reached for comment despite her supposed relationship with the man who was convicted of assaulting her, but her press agent did say, “good.” He later revised his comment to, “oh dear.”

Brown’s recuperation and probable years of physical therapy will leave a big gap in the violent, arrogant, macho jackass market, which will likely be filled by any number of potential candidates. One can only speculate, but it wouldn’t surprise this reporter if Harry Styles shaved his head, got some tattoos, took to wearing vests and started beating up on Caroline Flack. It’s ugly work, but someone needs to fill the gap or else glossy celeb magazines will suffer a significant downturn in revenue. One thing that will surely not be missed, though, is Chris Brown’s music, which is the only thing he has ever done which comes close to approaching his crimes in terms of putrescent ugliness.

All of which raises the question, who is Big Poppa, and what can we do to reward him for his good deed? Is he some kind of Batman-esque figure who metes out justice on those who would rather pick on someone smaller than themselves, or is he just a person doing his civic duty? In any case, I think we can all thank this brave man, this Dark Knight if you will, for teaching that vile bully a very good lesson about the effects of violence. I wish he could have done it in a way that didn’t perpetuate the cycle of violence, but some zits just need Poppin’.

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