UN Recognises Palestine’s Right to Share Its Apathy and Mistrust


Late last month, the General Assembly of the UN voted to accord Palestine non-Member State Observer Status, a landmark move in the country’s long and gruelling battle for recognition. 138 member states voted in favour of the measure, to 9 against, and 41 abstentions.

When asked about the United Kingdom’s decision to abstain from the vote, Ambassador Sir Mark Lyall Grant put his hands over his ears and loudly stated, ‘la-la-la-la-la.’ He gave no further comment. Of the five state representatives absent at the General Assembly, three cited health concerns, one ‘just totally forgot about it.’ Speaking for the island nation of Kiribati, a UN spokesman confirmed rumours that the organisation had made up the country ‘to cover up a spending oversight on chairs.’

Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas applauded the move but commented that ‘we have a long road ahead of us. He stated his confidence in Palestine’s ability to one day reach the ‘immense levels of apathy required of full-Member states’. In a statement on November 29, UN Secretary-General and Jedi Ban Ki-moon commended the decision, stating that ‘today has marked a giant leap forward on Palestine’s road to statehood.’ he said that the decision to accord Palestine non-Member Observer State status was the prerogative of all Member States, but that at this moment no evidence could be found of the five key tenets of corruption, apathy, ignorance, procrastination and stupidity.

Israeli Prime-Minister Benjamin Netanyahu defended Israel’s vote against the measure, asserting that ignorance in the government of the Palestinian Authority was ‘pitifully low. Abbas makes some everyday mistakes, but it’s nowhere near enough. Israel needs to see Abbas make periodic, catastrophic blunders, such as appointing toddlers to cabinet posts and outlawing the slicing of bread on Tuesdays.’ His chagrin comes after President Abbas ordered the PA’s first aid convoys to Syria from the West Bank this summer. The move provoked widespread criticism in the United Nations, and Susan Rice, American Ambassador to the UN, stated that ‘the spirit of the UN was not in this action,’ noting the ‘profound lack of pointless, circular discussion and idle rhetoric. President Abbas’ decision to act sabotages the UN’s stated priority of pretending to care about Syria while secretly hoping the conflict will go away by itself.’


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