Tis the season to be Jolly? Behind the Charade of the happy game of Charades, Christmas is one of the most despicably sadistic events on the calendar. From the food to the fantasy, Christmas is riddled with evil, so pour yourself a glass of Christmas spirit and prepare yourself for some trauma.

Christmas Trees

Christmas trees are bred for years, nurtured and watched to ensure they grow large and healthily. However, this kindness becomes cruel when we realise they are only grown so they can be savagely hacked away at, tied up, dragged to cars and then displayed for all to see. If this heartless treatment isn’t bad enough, we feel the need to decorate these tree corpses with such sexual frustration. Dying branches covered in baubles and wrapped in some tinsel bondage. Not only are we destroying nature, but we find it necessary to make a mockery by lighting it up while it sheds its skin all over the floor and our presents. Shocking.

Turkeys

Vegetarianism aside, there isn’t much wrong with having a beautifully cooked bird at Christmas, but why do we insist on defiling it? The Christmas dinner becomes less about families coming together and more about rape. A defenceless corpse is laid out on a dish in preparation for it to be anally penetrated with a fist full of stuffing. Its insides conveniently hollowed out and stored in a little bag, allowing for easy access into the cavity. Eventually, the poor bird is filled until you cannot go any deeper and it’s overflowing. Even worse is when Dad decides to cover it with shavings of dead pig and roast it until its juices flow and its skin dries out. All done without the bird’s permission. Sickening.

Pigs in Blankets

A treat loved by many, but one of the cruellest acts that can be done. The flesh of a pig is shoved into its intestine. This intestine is then wrapped by shaving of pig, fat and all. If the pig couldn’t be more humiliated, it is then cooked, displayed on the table and savaged and fought over before anyone even touches the peas. Pig stuffed into pig, wrapped in pig; I bet the Brussels sprouts don’t sound too bad anymore. Disgusting.

King Herod

Moving away from the food and presents and onto the inspiration for Christmas; Jesus and his birth. However, even though we happily sing and alter the lyrics of ‘We Three Kings’, we seem to sweep King Herod under the carpet. It is said that King ‘King of the Jews’ Herod was worried about the rumoured usurper that had been born in Bethlehem so lied to the wise men to have them report back on Jesus’s location. To give him a stuffed Teddy Bear? No, so he could slaughter the defenceless new born child who may take his job in the distant future. Luckily, the wise men weren’t idiots and Joseph escaped with his family, but apparently, Herod got angry and ordered all children under two in Bethlehem to be killed. Obviously, there are a few flaws to the story, but the idea of remains horrifyingly sadistic. You don’t see that in the Nativity shows though, do you? Despicable

Lies, Manipulation and Desire

Christmas teaches children the joys of sharing, family and Santa rewards them for good behaviour. However, these are not the only messages we are sending to our little ones. Firstly, Santa is one of the biggest lies thrust upon the youth. From a young age we are taught that a fat, jolly man will sneak into our houses and give us presents. The basic foundations of our relationships with our parents are built on trust, yet for years, they insist on forcing us to believe in fantasy and magic. If reindeers can fly, surely anything can happen? No, reindeers would impact with the ground and their insides would become outsides! They would die, like our childhood fantasies.
If that isn’t bad enough, parents will use this lie to indoctrinate their children into good behaviour at winter. The threat of coal plagued our nightmares, whilst they got us to do chores and laugh as they drink the coffee we felt obliged to make. Parents even get us to write a letter, which no doubt goes into the bin, but instils an acceptance of desire and greed. We must physically list everything that we want and expect to get it. No wonder we are so selfish and greedy. Diabolical.

Obesity

Santa has sketchy written all over him; an old man with an obsession with children, who has supernatural powers of time manipulation, lock-picking and flight and leaves presents behind him. He even watched you while you sleep, yet this is nothing compared to the very real condoning of his obesity. Bad facial hair can be given, but the iconic image of Santa shows his bulging belly and rosy cheeks. Yet we do not call him fat, we insist he is ‘jolly’ or ‘cuddly’. We even leave him out food, which can only aid in his declining health. Why can we not see that he is clearly medically obese and probably nearing a heart attack? No wonder most kids today are overweight. Stop feeding Santa and test him for Diabetes. Heartless.

Slave Labour

The Xbox 360, the Ipod and even that terrible jumper don’t just appear. Workers in inhospitable conditions spend days working to the bone to try and make them in time. I’m not talking about the Primark Sweatshops, but Santa’s Workshop. The poor elves are given more extreme demands each year, but who gets the credit? Santa! It’s like thanking Royal Mail for the love letter you got sent. They do all the work, but what does a non-profit organisation pay its workers? The North Pole doesn’t even have a National Health Scheme. And yet we couldn’t care less. Revolting.

The Worst of All

There is one thing Christmas includes that is far more evil and sadistic than anything else. Something which makes the very flesh on my skin crawl and the hairs on the back of my neck quiver with frosty disgust. Christmas forces families together! We are forced to eat with relatives we couldn’t care less about, thank each other for the crappy gifts we didn’t even want and sit in excruciating silence as Tim Allen bombards the TV. All this, whilst wearing paper hats. Pure Evil.

 But other than all that, Merry Christmas!

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