The Daily Mail issued a statement today condemning ‘the countless vile accusations’ that have come its way since it condemned the ‘countless vile sexual jokes’ made by Jack Whitehall and James Cordon during The Big Fat Quiz of the Year.

Regarding the comments on Twitter and other social media that suggest the Mail manufactured the supposed backlash over the Channel 4 broadcast, a spokesperson for the paper stated:

“These comments are unacceptable. We asked our office, and at least 11 of our staff were outraged that these comments were directed at us. We are calling for the immediate shutdown of Twitter, should the internet have any decency. And since at least 11 people are offended by this, we have to assume the whole country is too. It’s our duty to save Britain from this outrageous outrage.”

The initial complaints about the broadcast were discovered to have been filed by Mail writer Marshall Baxter, the Most Sensitive Man in the World©. He was unfortunately unavailable for comment, having passed out during an episode of Deal or No Deal where Noel Edmonds showed too much thigh.

During the interview, the office café ran out of croissants. Three members of staff immediately declared that this too was an outrage, and set about banning bakeries for the good of the country. The croissant theft was blamed on immigrants and teen pregnancy.

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    It would never have happened if Diana was still around.

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