Farmfoods Burgers Found to Contain Real Meat

An investigation today has shocked millions after it was revealed that Farmfoods, the poor man’s Iceland, has been filling its own-brand beef burgers with trace elements of real meat.

The revelation came after a pack of Farmfoods burgers was taken away for testing following the recent Tesco debacle. Lab reports suggest that as much as 4% of the burgers was actual beef in some cases. Whilst some batches contained the requisite mixture of newspaper and wood chippings, the vast majority were contaminated.

One angry customer said:

“I’m absolutely disgusted. I nearly threw up when I heard I was eating an actual animal. This is the sort of high quality nobody expects from Farmfoods.”

Farmfoods spokesman Arnold Farmer said in response:

“We cannot apologise enough for the new information that has come to light. We usually pride ourselves on the fact that you’ll never find a cow near these burgers, let alone in them. The odd stoat, sure. Dead zoo animals? Of course. But not this. Our customers love the ‘lucky dip’ aspect of our products: you could be getting anything. We are deeply, deeply sorry to have let you all down.”

Reports that Farmfoods whole chickens are actually specially bred dodos are unconfirmed.