An investigation today has shocked millions after it was revealed that Farmfoods, the poor man’s Iceland, has been filling its own-brand beef burgers with trace elements of real meat.

The revelation came after a pack of Farmfoods burgers was taken away for testing following the recent Tesco debacle. Lab reports suggest that as much as 4% of the burgers was actual beef in some cases. Whilst some batches contained the requisite mixture of newspaper and wood chippings, the vast majority were contaminated.

One angry customer said:

“I’m absolutely disgusted. I nearly threw up when I heard I was eating an actual animal. This is the sort of high quality nobody expects from Farmfoods.”

Farmfoods spokesman Arnold Farmer said in response:

“We cannot apologise enough for the new information that has come to light. We usually pride ourselves on the fact that you’ll never find a cow near these burgers, let alone in them. The odd stoat, sure. Dead zoo animals? Of course. But not this. Our customers love the ‘lucky dip’ aspect of our products: you could be getting anything. We are deeply, deeply sorry to have let you all down.”

Reports that Farmfoods whole chickens are actually specially bred dodos are unconfirmed.

7 Comments »

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  • C.G
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    “the poor man’s Iceland” – you condescending middle classed prat!

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    Sam Everard
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    Thank you! Naturally I’m middle class for thinking Farmfoods is cheap. I’m guessing you’re an employee?

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    Isaac
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    In what way can it not it be considered a poor man’s Iceland!?

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  • Lionel Hutz
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    Out of interest Sam, can you be done for libel for this kind of stuff?

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    Sam Everard
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    Mr Hutz, you’re not wearing any pants! But that’s a good question, and the answer is no. I hope. I really hope it’s no.

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  • Craysian
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    ….Those Aldi horse burgers were nice, but I prefer My Lidl Pony.

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    Sam Everard
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    Wahey!

    Reply