Farmfoods Burgers Found to Contain Real Meat


An investigation today has shocked millions after it was revealed that Farmfoods, the poor man’s Iceland, has been filling its own-brand beef burgers with trace elements of real meat.

The revelation came after a pack of Farmfoods burgers was taken away for testing following the recent Tesco debacle. Lab reports suggest that as much as 4% of the burgers was actual beef in some cases. Whilst some batches contained the requisite mixture of newspaper and wood chippings, the vast majority were contaminated.

One angry customer said:

“I’m absolutely disgusted. I nearly threw up when I heard I was eating an actual animal. This is the sort of high quality nobody expects from Farmfoods.”

Farmfoods spokesman Arnold Farmer said in response:

“We cannot apologise enough for the new information that has come to light. We usually pride ourselves on the fact that you’ll never find a cow near these burgers, let alone in them. The odd stoat, sure. Dead zoo animals? Of course. But not this. Our customers love the ‘lucky dip’ aspect of our products: you could be getting anything. We are deeply, deeply sorry to have let you all down.”

Reports that Farmfoods whole chickens are actually specially bred dodos are unconfirmed.


Editor and MA English student. Follow on Twitter @SamEverard1

Discussion7 Comments

  1. avatar

    “the poor man’s Iceland” – you condescending middle classed prat!

    Sam Everard

    Thank you! Naturally I’m middle class for thinking Farmfoods is cheap. I’m guessing you’re an employee?


    In what way can it not it be considered a poor man’s Iceland!?

  2. avatar

    Out of interest Sam, can you be done for libel for this kind of stuff?

    Sam Everard

    Mr Hutz, you’re not wearing any pants! But that’s a good question, and the answer is no. I hope. I really hope it’s no.

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