Study Reveals That Being Important in SUSU Means Nothing

A recent survey undertaken by the university indicates that the prominence of a person in the Student’s Union has absolutely no bearing on their success in later life or their likeability.

The survey showed that in 97% of cases, people were unlikely to care when a student told them how many Union Council sessions they had attended or how many policies they had ratified. In fact, results suggested that students who constantly bragged about their Union achievements or expected people to know who they were are more likely to be seen as ‘insufferable’, ‘misguided’, or ‘pathetic’.

One enthusiastic former member of the Union had this to say:

“Unfortunately, I’m not surprised by these results. When I left Southampton, the world was my oyster. I thought since I’d sat on three different committees and never ate at non-Union-affiliated cafés that I could get ay job I wanted. But I lost out at every interview I went to. I asked them if they knew who I was, but none of them did! I chaired Union Council FOUR times, dammit!  I’m better than all of them!”

A rehabilitation programme is being set up for those students too deep in SUSU. Workshops aim to target the 83% of prominent Union members who believe SUSU is the same as the outside world, and lecture topics will include ‘Real Jobs – Why This Isn’t One’ and ‘Narcissism and You’.