How ya doin’? Name’s Hollywood Dave. You ever wanted to write for the movies, but you don’t write so good? Sure, everybody does! That’s why I set up Dave Guzman’s writing school, to pass on some of my years of expertise to yous. I’ve written for over 42 movies since I started, and at least two of those could be described as successful. Were you one of the hundreds who watched the adult film ‘State of Foreplay’ and noticed how engaging the story and dialogue was? All the work of yours truly. I’ve written for genres as diverse as comedy, drama, and even comedy drama.

Before I was 'Hollywood', I was 'The Animal'. There's a reason why there's 'man' in 'Dave Guzman', ladies.

Before I was ‘Hollywood’, I was ‘The Animal’. There’s a reason why there’s ‘man’ in ‘Dave Guzman’, ladies.

Below are just a few of the tips found in my popular seminar on the art of screenwriting. Attend for the low low price of $12.50! (And a 10% cut if you make it big.)

Plot

-The average screenplay features at least one character. I’d go with that too.

-Include as many big, expensive set pieces as you can. Everybody knows ‘dialogue’ is just the bit between the cool stuff. BOOM!

Where were the explosions in The Social Network? I've shat better scripts than that. Sorkin can suck it.

Where were the explosions in The Social Network? I’ve shat better scripts than that. Sorkin can suck it.

-Most films these days are shameless rip-offs. If you’re stuck for an idea, just replace some of the parts of your favourite movies. Like, ah, Rocky, but now he wins at the end. Or Casablanca, but in this version Rick kills Ilsa’s new husband to win her back and goes all Rambo on the Nazis. Shit like that is gold.

Setting

-Sometimes setting can make the most boring, generic script exciting. Need to liven up a love story? Hows about ya set it on a space station!

Sample Dialogue: "Whenever I'm near you, it feels like my heart is in zero gravity!"

Sample Dialogue: “Whenever I’m near you, it feels like my heart is in zero gravity!”

-Whenever possible, set your script in old-timey places. Add ‘eth’ to every other word, and change it to ‘thou’ every time someone says ‘yous’. Went down a storm when I wrote Prouder and More Prejudiced.

-Hollywood Dave never struggles for funding, but if you are, most scripts can be set in one location. Try setting a horror movie in a strip club. Or maybe a sci-fi in a strip club? And if you’re set on a period drama, how about an old-timey strip club? Incidentally, my friend Javier has this great strip club that’s pretty cheap to rent.

Establishing Character

-Ignore what the ‘established’ writers say, there’s nothing funnier than stereotypes.

-Make sure when you’re revealing details about a character, make it all obvious and stuff. People love it when things are clear like that. This fancy shit’s called ‘exposition’. Have your characters say things like “It’s great to be in this new neighbourhood, I hope I can start a new life here after the events of last year when I was kicked off the force for my drinking problem and when I accidentally killed that suspect.” See? Everything you need to know in one great line.

-Annoying characters stick in the mind. The more irritating traits they have, the better.

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Who could forget this guy, amiright?

-Sometimes you’re gonna want to ‘subvert’ expectations. I don’t know, I heard it once. So say you wanna introduce ya badass hero at a club? Have him come in, owning the place and getting all the attention in a badass outfit, but then he gets on the dancefloor and rocks out to the Macarena. Genius! Audience won’t know what hit ‘em!

-No matter what people might try and tell ya, if there’s one thing audiences love, it’s tits. Try and get as many chesticles in your movie as you can. Say your movie’s about a high-flying woman lawyer taking down a huge corrupt corporation. Why not liven up the climax by having her give her closing statement topless?

So that’s all for the moment guys, I’m not giving you all my best stuff. That stuff’ll cost ya. My office is in the abandoned warehouse on 3rd, at least until I get evicted again. In terms of payment, I accept cheques and vaguely upmarket dinners. No more Taco Bell, my doctor says my liver can’t take that no more.

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