In an example of bold journalistic endeavour that will surely go down in history alongside the likes of the Watergate scandal or the revelations concerning children’s entertainer Zippy’s shocking cocaine habit, the valourous heroes at Southampton’s finest independent gossip rag have struck a mighty blow against the wannabe dictators who callously rule from deep inside their Führerbunker, or as their propaganda department insists on calling it – Building 42.
The Soton Tab, which is renowned throughout the English-speaking world for being the proud institution Southampton’s students deserve, but not the one they need right now, has recently had to resist SUSU’s jackbooted attempts to silence its voice. Its writers were unambiguously the victims of a deliberate attempt at censorship by party officials as they sought to bear witness to the odious process SUSU had carefully plotted in the run-up to the announcements regarding the annual show election that it insists on populating entirely with brown-nosers and friendly, enthusiastic members of the university’s student body. Fortunately, when faced with an injustice of such a magnificently trivial nature, the Soton Tab wisely decided to embark on a course of action which in no way resembled that of a baby throwing its toys out of the pram.
Attempts to discredit the people’s favourite digital receptacle for fish and chips have historically taken the form of comments inserted beneath their articles featuring vindictive attacks on the character of our peers and attempts to manufacture controversy. It goes without saying that these anonymous remarks are clearly the work of spineless plants, given their similarity to the hyperbolic chicken scratches typical of attention-deprived adolescents. Let us hope that the Soton Tab will soon return to its primary mission of publishing catcalls and comebacks hatched while daydreaming during a particularly boring lecture.