Drunk Cooking For Beginners

For as long as there have been cookbooks, there has been one long-neglected consumer: the post-night-out chef. What do make that should help remove the chance of a hangover when you’re too inebriated to be fancy? Everything the aspiring drunk cook needs is here in this simple recipe guide, assuming you can read the instructions:

Bacon Sandwich

1. Fry your bacon on the highest heat possible. Forget and do something else for approximately 18 minutes.
2. Return when bacon is black and smoking. Run under tap to try and ‘uncook them’ for a while.
3. Find bread, probably stale. Drizzle with whiskey for ‘manly flavour’.
4. Place bacon rashers in bread and serve.
5. Think about how cute the pig was in Babe and stop what you’re doing.
6. Cry.

Coq au Vin

1. Giggle for hours over the word ‘coq’.
2. Find some wine.
3. Run out of wine through excessive consumption.
4. Giggle at the word ‘chicken breast’.
5. Form the assorted vegetables into the shape of a smiley vegetable man.
6. Realise you are in no way capable of making coq au vin. Even when sober.

Homemade Cheesy Chips

1. Preheat oven to ‘I keep burning my hands’ temperature.
2. Pour oven chips onto tray. Make sure not to spread them so that some chips remain stuck together and you get a good cooked/uncooked mixture.
3. Leave until smoke alarm goes off.
4. Place huge, ungrated lump of cheese in middle of tray. Put back in oven.
5. Ensure cheese has melted on smallest amount of chips possible. Serve with at least 500g of mayonnaise for authentic fast-food experience.

Spaghetti Bolognese

1. Spill a fistful of spaghetti on the kitchen floor. Pick up as much possible and place in lukewarm water.
2. Attempt to boil mince.
3. Retrieve soggy mince and fry instead.
4. Try frying the mince in a ‘Strongbow sauce’. Meat should begin to look unappetising and smell of burnt apples.
5. Add whole, unpeeled onion to the pan.
6. Throw spaghetti around the kitchen because it ‘makes a great decoration’.
7. Add half-cooked spaghetti to cider-meat-onion mix.
8. Remember chopped tomatoes. Add cold on top of everything else.
9. Serve and eat.
10. Vomit.