The shocking revelation has emerged today that Pope Benedict XVI, the clergyman formerly known as Joseph Ratzinger, resigned his post last week because of a sex tape leaked by his former personal assistant. The tape, which shows the octogenarian pontiff engaged in full coitus is surprising not only because it reveals to the world that he wears his pope hat while making love, but also because it in no way involves or features any young boys whatsoever.
The revelation that the Pope is, in fact, a normal human being with healthy appetites has stunned the western world, with many members of the clergy stating their disgust at the idea of God’s representative on Earth engaging in consensual intercourse with a woman of marriageable age. “Really it is quite disgraceful,” commented one Cardinal, “that a man of his age should be doing things like that with a woman of her age. He should keep his unclean desires bottled up like the rest of us until they explode in a foamy white sea of allegations, scandal and traumatised children.” He subsequently requested that we did not print that last part, before attempting to steal my notepad and running away.
Responses from the secular world have ranged from revulsion at the sight of a 134 year old man having intercourse, to new-found admiration for the aging pope. “I reckon he’s a right geezer and that bird he banged was well fit. I’d give her at least an eight,” said one man before straightening his tie and continuing with the Ten o’clock News. Another interviewee commented that he didn’t, “get what all the fuss is about. It’s just two people having consensual sex. Where’s the problem? Considering the all the other crap the Catholic Church is willing to tolerate, it seems ludicrous to me that they’d object to one of their clergymen having sex with a woman.”
The pontiff has yet to be approached for comment himself, but former members of his staff have put forward the idea that this is nothing but a case of mistaken identity, although they do concede that there aren’t many elderly men with Pope hats who looks exactly like Benedict XVI, and even fewer who would feel the need to make a sex tape. Speculation has arisen, however, that the tape was released intentionally by Ratzinger so as to weaken the case for clergymen being allowed to have sex by way of the sheer repulsion it has been reported to cause when viewed. Why Benedict XVI would take such steps while reports of priests’ sexual abuse are rife is a puzzlement, especially with the recent abuse scandal surrounding the disgraced former Cardinal Keith O’Brien, but clearly the church still has some serious opposition to Priests having consensual sex. All we know for certain, though, is that there exists, right now, a video of the pope engaged in nasty, sloppy sex, and it’s utterly horrifying.