The Vatican appointed a new pontiff yesterday following the resignation of Pope Benedict XVI, and the incoming pope immediately broke from tradition by holding a keg party and streaking around St Peter’s Basilica.
The arrival of Argentinean party animal Jorge Bergoglio was heralded by white smoke rising from the Vatican, and his name was revealed an hour later. Sources in the Vatican report the delay was due to Bergoglio challenging cardinals to rounds of Halo 4.
Bergoglio took his name from Pope Obnoxious of Rome, patron saint of college jocks, who ruled from 36-27 BC and was known for his love of excessive drinking and farting at barbarians. Pope Obnoxious II has already begun to follow in his predecessor’s footsteps by drawing dicks in the Sistine Chapel and forcing cardinals to chug holy water.
Though an official interview with Obnoxious is not allowed at this stage, some of his closest advisors have stated that he is ‘very glad to be appointed in time for Steak and a Rosary Day, because he’s going to be knee-deep in nuns’. As decreed by his holiness, Nickelback’s entire back catalogue will be played over the Vatican’s PA system for the next week to celebrate his arrival.