It’s obvious to anyone with a TV or a masochistic urge to listen to terrible music that Miley Cyrus seems to be going off the rails a little. The VMA performance, the ‘Wrecking Ball’ video, her ritual slaughter of Hannah Montana. It’s the same scenario we’ve seen with Lindsay Lohan, Macaulay Culkin and Amanda Bynes, right? The child star who gets too rich too fast and burns out in a spectacular fiery train-wreck of booze, drugs and public nudity?
Back in November of 1992, madcap inventor Billy Ray Cyrus finally completed his life’s work: a fully functional robot daughter.
Mr Cyrus, country musician and groundbreaking scientist, had done his job well. Miley was a great success: for years, she earned a fortune producing bland, inoffensive music alongside a bland, inoffensive TV show. But recently, something broke inside her and her programming was altered. It’s the only sensible explanation when you think about.
A serious circuitry malfunction was the only thing that could have caused all these radical changes. This is the biggest event in celebrity robotics since Kristen Stewart’s personality drive was removed.
Let’s look at the evidence. In the videos for ‘We Can’t Stop’, ‘Wrecking Ball’, and the VMA performance, it’s become more and more obvious that Mileybot doesn’t know what sex actually is. The change of appearance, the hypersexualisation of literally everything around her, the lack of clothes: all of it adds up to somebody who learned about how to be sexy from a computer. She gets naked for no reason, fellates hammers, dances like she’s having withdrawals and constantly lets her tongue hang wild and free like a lost steak and expects the results to somehow equal sexy. She gets the ingredients, but doesn’t understand a single reason as to why they can be arousing. Imagine Siri trying to talk dirty to you and you’re halfway there.
The attraction to inanimate objects is another dead giveaway. How many non-robots do you know who routinely lick DIY gear? She got freaky with a foam hand at the VMAs, and grinded on a gang of enormous teddy bears. She was getting far too close to Robin Thicke, who everyone knows is actually an advanced ‘Sleazebot’ model. Plus, there’s this thing, which Miley molested before it returned to the hideous hellmouth that spawned it.
The symptoms will only get worse following her break with Liam Hemsworth after he caught her cheating with Wall-E. For now, all we can hope for is that the people of the future will send back a stronger Miley Cyrus to defeat this one. At least that might stop ‘Bangerz’ being released.