Six students have been reported missing after falling asleep in the library and being forcibly removed by a new SUSU strike force set up to combat napping during exam season.
SUSU set up the strike force two days ago after receiving numerous complaints about students taking up desks in the library by sleeping for extended periods. The Necessary Action for the Prevention of Sleep teams have been patrolling the corridors of Hartley in fiver-person squads since their inception immediately waking up any students caught dozing.
Though initially the squads would merely shake the students awake, make loud noises near them or waterboard them, their methods have become more severe.
Student Jeremy Goldsmith said:
“I saw them wake up one guy by breaking his leg with a SUSU-branded baton. You know they sell them in the shop now? I’d rather buy one of them than a hoodie, though.”
Multiple library-goers have been left shocked after seeing the strike teams kidnap sleeping offenders yesterday, dragging the students out of the library with black bags over their heads and bundling them into the Safety Bus. Of the seven taken, five were international students.
A SUSU spokesperson said:
“The program’s been getting some really solid results. If you look past the human rights violations, we’ve improved desk usage in the library by 15%. Less than 20% of students have said finding a desk was difficult in the last two days. Hopefully, students will start to think twice before having a three hour nap instead of just, you know, going home.”
Rumours that the kidnapped students are being forced to work on new ideas for SUSU’s ailing nightlife are as of yet unsubstantiated.