Six students have been reported missing after falling asleep in the library and being forcibly removed by a new SUSU strike force set up to combat napping during exam season.

SUSU set up the strike force two days ago after receiving numerous complaints about students taking up desks in the library by sleeping for extended periods. The Necessary Action for the Prevention of Sleep teams have been patrolling the corridors of Hartley in fiver-person squads since their inception immediately waking up any students caught dozing.

Though initially the squads would merely shake the students awake, make loud noises near them or waterboard them, their methods have become more severe.

Student Jeremy Goldsmith said:

“I saw them wake up one guy by breaking his leg with a SUSU-branded baton. You know they sell them in the shop now? I’d rather buy one of them than a hoodie, though.”

Multiple library-goers have been left shocked after seeing the strike teams kidnap sleeping offenders yesterday, dragging the students out of the library with black bags over their heads and bundling them into the Safety Bus. Of the seven taken, five were international students.

A SUSU spokesperson said:

“The program’s been getting some really solid results. If you look past the human rights violations, we’ve improved desk usage in the library by 15%. Less than 20% of students have said finding a desk was difficult in the last two days. Hopefully, students will start to think twice before having a three hour nap instead of just, you know, going home.”

Rumours that the kidnapped students are being forced to work on new ideas for SUSU’s ailing nightlife are as of yet unsubstantiated.

6 Comments »

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  • GDR
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    Is this Soton Tab?

    Reply

  • Proletariat
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    A reactionary article to the Soton Tab?

    Reply

  • Miss Teen South Carolina
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    I like Soton Tab.

    Reply

  • Avid SUSU media goon
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    Wessex Scene running 8 days behind the Soton Tab as usual! Can’t wait to find out the 2014 exam timetables!

    http://sotontab.co.uk/2014/01/08/desk-sleeping-plague-returns-hartley-library/

    Reply

    Sam Everard
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    The two pieces aren’t even close to having the same aim, but I guess that particular subtlety sailed right over your head.

    Reply

    Avid SUSU media goon
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    Oops. Clearly i am not intelligent enuff to read the Wessex scene. Shame.

    Reply