It’s elections time again, and campaigning is in full swing! Physical and online promotion has been running for a good few days now, and I’m sure that anywhere between 5-10% of students are paying rapt attention. But how best to get your name out there, innocent and naïve candidate that you are? Everything you need to take yourself from SUSUcker to SUSUperstar* is included in this handy guide! Enjoy, and remember: you can make a difference (within reason).
*SUSUperstar status not guaranteed

1. Add new Facebook friends
As soon as you’re allowed to, it’s a great idea to add everyone you possibly can on Facebook. Nothing makes people want to vote for you more than knowing you’ve only become interested in their existence because it’s elections season.

2. Talk to people when they’re obviously busy
No time is a bad time. Someone looks like they’re running late for lecture? They’ve still got time to hear about half of your manifesto, at least. They’ll thank you later when they’re more informed about your modifications to the course rep system. Eating their lunch? Great, a captive audience! Your policies and boundless enthusiasm are the only nutrition they’ll need. Quiet drinks with friends? Everyone knows politics and alcohol go together better than SUSU and fair representation!

3. Use Buzzwords Whenever Possible
In-depth discussions and points are all well and good, but why get bogged down in that when you can be as vague as possible? It saves everybody time in the long run. You don’t have to do anything specific for students when you can ‘support’ and ‘engage’ them. Everybody with a basic understanding of sustainable streamline synergy knows that.

4. Choose a Gimmick
You’re off to a good start, upstanding candidate, but how are you going to stand out with all these others running too? What you need is a hook, an angle: a gimmick. You might want it to actually mention your name somewhere, and it should rhyme, because students need their information in a format they associate with Dr. Seuss. If you have a second name that only rhymes with dirty things, that’s tough luck: a ‘Fenis’, ‘Everard’ or ‘Bagina’ is never gonna end up in office. Just ask four-time losing VP Communities candidate Harry Glitoris.

5. Invade Lectures
Everyone knows that students aren’t really here to learn, so what will it matter if you interrupt their teaching with a steady stream of lecture shout outs? The lecturer may appear irritated by your presence, but don’t worry, your burgeoning Sabb career is far more important than theirs. If you end up doing a shout out with another candidate, be sure to make any interaction between the two of you as passive-aggressive as possible.

More articles in SUSU Elections 2014
  1. SUSU Elections 2014 Candidates: The Full List
  2. VP Education Debate: Summary
  3. VP Engagement Debate: Summary
  4. Union President Candidate Withdraws from Elections
  5. VP Democracy & Creative Industries Debate: Summary
  6. VP Welfare Debate: Summary
  7. VP Communities Debate: Summary
  8. VP Sports Debate: Summary
  9. Union President Debate Liveblog 2014
  10. Second Union President Candidate Withdraws
  11. Elections Candidates Disadvantaged After Posters Arrive Late
  12. ‘Joke’ Elections Candidate Gets Serious
  13. A Quick Guide to Your VP Education Candidates
  14. A Quick Guide to Your VP Engagement Candidates
  15. VP Sports Development Candidate Withdraws
  16. A Quick Guide to Your VP Democracy and Creative Industries Candidates
  17. A Quick Guide to Your VP Sport Candidates
  18. Campaigning During SUSU Elections: The Guide
  19. A Quick Guide to Your VP Welfare Candidates
  20. Why Are You Reducing Me to a Sexual Object?: One Candidate’s Experience of Elections
  21. A Quick Guide to Your VP Student Communities Candidates
  22. A Quick Guide to Your Presidential Candidates
  23. Exit Polls: SUSU Elections 2014
  24. Nightline Officer Candidate Victim of Email Spoof
  25. Why Vote?
  26. Elections Night 2014 Liveblog
  27. Candidate Live Interviews 2014
  28. Elections 2014: Sabbatical Winners Interviews
  29. Candidates Announced For VP Student Communities By-Election
  30. Anjit Aulakh Elected as VP Student Communities

One Comment »

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  • Phill Moxley

    My favourite is “Join the Facebook page of a society you have no connections with to push your mates Campaign”. Really fucks me off.