It’s elections time again, and campaigning is in full swing! Physical and online promotion has been running for a good few days now, and I’m sure that anywhere between 5-10% of students are paying rapt attention. But how best to get your name out there, innocent and naïve candidate that you are? Everything you need to take yourself from SUSUcker to SUSUperstar* is included in this handy guide! Enjoy, and remember: you can make a difference (within reason).
*SUSUperstar status not guaranteed
1. Add new Facebook friends
As soon as you’re allowed to, it’s a great idea to add everyone you possibly can on Facebook. Nothing makes people want to vote for you more than knowing you’ve only become interested in their existence because it’s elections season.
2. Talk to people when they’re obviously busy
No time is a bad time. Someone looks like they’re running late for lecture? They’ve still got time to hear about half of your manifesto, at least. They’ll thank you later when they’re more informed about your modifications to the course rep system. Eating their lunch? Great, a captive audience! Your policies and boundless enthusiasm are the only nutrition they’ll need. Quiet drinks with friends? Everyone knows politics and alcohol go together better than SUSU and fair representation!
3. Use Buzzwords Whenever Possible
In-depth discussions and points are all well and good, but why get bogged down in that when you can be as vague as possible? It saves everybody time in the long run. You don’t have to do anything specific for students when you can ‘support’ and ‘engage’ them. Everybody with a basic understanding of sustainable streamline synergy knows that.
4. Choose a Gimmick
You’re off to a good start, upstanding candidate, but how are you going to stand out with all these others running too? What you need is a hook, an angle: a gimmick. You might want it to actually mention your name somewhere, and it should rhyme, because students need their information in a format they associate with Dr. Seuss. If you have a second name that only rhymes with dirty things, that’s tough luck: a ‘Fenis’, ‘Everard’ or ‘Bagina’ is never gonna end up in office. Just ask four-time losing VP Communities candidate Harry Glitoris.
5. Invade Lectures
Everyone knows that students aren’t really here to learn, so what will it matter if you interrupt their teaching with a steady stream of lecture shout outs? The lecturer may appear irritated by your presence, but don’t worry, your burgeoning Sabb career is far more important than theirs. If you end up doing a shout out with another candidate, be sure to make any interaction between the two of you as passive-aggressive as possible.