The first serving of Wessex Scene Sports Online’s new weekly column in which Pat and Jack sink their teeth into the prime cuts of the week’s Premier League action.

Imagine the future. You’re probably thinking of hover cars, teleportation, lightsabers and a bloody execution of the royal family in a laser-gun fuelled uprising of the repressed peoples of the world. Whatever your vision of the future, I bet you never thought it would include Alan Pardew. Neither did we…

But this week Pardew and his faithful gang of backroom chums have signed sparkly new eight-year contracts at Newcastle United. Fortunately somebody who won’t be in that future is Blackburn Diglett Steve Kean. The Scotsman says that Venky’s forced him to resign, with their talk of marquee signings such as Beckham and Ronaldinho at the start of last season they demonstrated their lack of footballing awareness. Now at the top of the championship Venky’s have proved they don’t even know which end of the table is which by sacking their manager three months late.

But it’s ok! The future is bright for the rest of us as there are rumours of wind-up pundit diglett Alan Shearer leaving Match of the Day to assume management duties at Blackburn. The three phrases he was taught in his years in the BBC punditry cupboard: ‘You’ve got to put those away’, ‘he’s got to score from there’ and ‘That would be an ecumenical matter’, will serve him well if he makes it through Venky’s managerial assault course selection camp or ‘Chicken Run’ as it’s known in the business.

In other footballing dinosaur news, Arsenal’s Gunnersaurus Mascot controversially shunned a handshake with John Terry in the tunnel of the Emirates Stadium this weekend. In a later statement the Gunnersaurus said: ‘As the last of my species I felt compelled to take a stand against human intolerance’. John Terry has been given a hefty fine and a four day ban for ‘abusive language’ directed at Anton Ferdinand last season, here at Spitroast HQ however, we have been informed that JT will still be taking part in on-pitch celebrations following any goals during his absence.

After this weekend’s display against Arsenal it seems likely that these goals will come from their set pieces, which exposed the Gunner’s defence and reflected badly on Arsenal assistant diglett Steve Bould. Fernando Torres bagged one of the goals, his goalscoring prowess has been seemingly restored via the reinstated mystical headband of Spanish power. An irritated Arsene Wenger described the goals as ‘cheap’, proving that are a few cheap things that Arsene doesn’t appreciate.

And finally…

Congratulations to Victor Moses, whose wife parted the red sea this week and gave birth to a baby boy.

And so concludes the first of many helpings of Mac and Wint’s Premier League Spit Roast which will be dished out at Wessex Scene Sports Online every Tuesday. 

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