Wessex Scene Sports Online’s Pat and Jack sandwich the juicy bits of this week’s footballing action in their second serving of The Spitroast

‘Pardew asks for Van Persie Elbow action’ read the headline on BBC Sport following RVP’s unsolicited blow on Yohan Cabaye. However, since shiny match official diglett Howard Webb did not include it in his match report, Pardew will have to be content with sitting on his own arm and imagining it’s Van Persie.

Simulation has taken centre stage this weekend in the prem, with Luis Suarez and Gareth Bale coming under fire for flagrant dives. The two performances can be seen below:

Perhaps even more galling than the dives themselves was Mark Lawrenson’s reaction to the events on Match of the Day 2. Whereas Tony Pulis has called for retrospective action on divers to be taken in future in the form of three match bans, Lawrenson seems to think diving is a bit of a laugh, like blood doping, or famine.

31 year old teenager Ashley Cole also had a bit of a laugh this week shortly before calling the F.A a #BUNCHOFTW*TS. The F.A decided that John Terry’s defence was ‘Improbable, implausible and contrived’, and therefore by extension suggested that Ashley Cole was lying. Given Cole’s impeccable track record for honesty, to his ex-wife and club, we at Spitroast HQ can’t work out why the FA would ever think this. Ashley apologised through his solicitor soon after and was later told he was allowed off the naughty step.

Roy Hodgson also found himself apologising this week after discussing Rio Ferdinand’s England future on the tube. ‘I’m disappointed that a story like that came out, and I apologise to him [Ferdinand]’ he told a man in Londis. Hodgson has included Cole in his squad for England’s World Cup Qualifying match against San Marino on Friday despite his Twitter slur. Perhaps Rio doesn’t understand that all you have to do to get in the team is call the F.A a load of f****** g***h y******ers.

Garth Crooks has run in to some flack this week after suggesting that West Brom’s James Morrison deserves a run in the England Squad. Here at Spitroast HQ we actually think Garth is right and that Morrison is one of a group of maligned players overlooked for England service that includes Charlie Adam, Steven Fletcher and Kenny Miller.

And finally…

Steven Gerrard has said that he will ‘never leave Anfield’, here at The Spitroast  we have been informed that he will live the remaining years of his life in a specially constructed bell tower until his death, upon which he will be nailed to a cross and hung above the tunnel for players to touch on their way onto the pitch.

That’s all for this week, but you can read Mac and Wint’s Premier League Spitroast every Tuesday here on Wessex Scene Online.

Credit to http://www.101greatgoals.com/blog/the-gif-battle-of-the-dirty-dives-gareth-bale-tottenham-vs-luis-suarez-liverpool/ for this week’s GIFs

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