Ask the Edge - your problems solved! :: Wessex Scene Online

Ask the Edge - your problems solved!

1st November 2003
Rich Heap

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Nov 03 - 'I have no luck with the laydeez' Ask the Edge!
Jan 04 - Ask the Edge!
Nov 03 - When Beryl and the Edge collide
May 07 - EDGE Reads the News....
Mar 07 - Edge... of Knowledge, of Reason, of Release

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Hello sir,
I find myself constantly torn between the apathy of my generation, a desire to drink myself into a stupor every night and the need to do some work at University.

I constantly find myself describing myself using words such as Lethargic, Apathetic, Misanthropic and many other long words - the more syllables the better. How can I define myself as an individual in a world where the self is marketed to us as a brand, as a lifestyle choice? What is wrong with me?

Rob

The Edge says: Oooh, that is deep isn’t it Rob. First I don’t see why there needs to be a conflict between your University work and the desire to buy into a meaningless drink-fuelled culture. The two can co-exist as long as you have self-control. It may not be easy at first but, over time, you’ll find it far easy to cope with your millennial angst. Good behaviour is, after all, the child of habit. I’m not entirely sure how you can better define yourself as an individual in the world as, unless by some insane coincidence, you happen to be one of my friends. Your main problem seems to be that you regard self-destruction as a valid lifestyle choice. While it is something that can be aimed for there is so much else. You need to find something you love, a dream if you will, and follow that to gain fulfilment. The problem is that you seem to be looking for happiness in all the wrong places and, as mainstream culture can’t bring the happiness it appears to promise, you’ll always be disappointed. Instead you have to do exactly what you want. Oh, and there’s nothing wrong with you. These sort of feelings are quite normal products of such a vacuous and empty mainstream culture.

Dear The Edge,
I’m having weird dreams about Steph from Hollyoaks. Is this weird?

Ricky

The Edge says: Yes Ricky, this is weird. You are weird. Maybe you should just get this out of your system by sending her some faintly scary letters, after which she’ll have a restraining order taken out and you’ll be forced to come to terms with the rejection. In any case you need to work this out because Steph is still at school in Hollyoaks and so you’re probably harbouring secret paedophilic tendencies. If you follow these impulses through then the authorities will not look kindly on you. After all, you’re not a pop star, are you? And, come to mention it, your fellow inmates won’t take too kindly to it either. So yeah, get some counselling and work this out. And stay away from schools.

Dear The Edge,
I have recently moved into my new house. This year I am living with a mate from halls and we got on really well. All that has changed recently though as he has a obsession with his testicles, which are abnormally large. We were just be sitting there and he got them out. The first time it was funny, but now he does it all the time. I think he might be homosexual! Can you help me please as I think I might have feelings for him, but dont want to ruin our friendship!

Ross O

The Edge says: My, that is a conundrum. First, I don’t think that homosexuals are more genetically disposed to displaying their testicles than any other men, so I don’t reckon he is a homosexual. He would probably have told you. I’m not entirely sure whether his penchant for revealing his genitals is actually causing you any concern. It sounds like you may be enjoying it If it is then you should probably tell him how uncomfortable seeing his imposing testicles makes you feel. If he’s a friend then he’ll understand that you don’t want to see his tackle slapping about everywhere and will modify his behaviour. If he does then he cares for you, and may secretly harbour the same emotions that you’re going through. Hey, it could be true love. But tread carefully. If you do go out then it will change the whole nature of your friendship forever. On the one hand it may be worth taking a chance for love, but you may lose a friend. And a good friend will be there far longer than a lover.