Ask the Edge! :: Wessex Scene Online

Ask the Edge!

24th January 2004

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Nov 03 - 'I have no luck with the laydeez' Ask the Edge!
Feb 07 - Trilby Wearers
Nov 03 - Ask the Edge - your problems solved!
Nov 03 - When Beryl and the Edge collide
May 07 - EDGE Reads the News....

Got problems? Got no friends? Got no problems but want to send one in on behalf of an embarrassed friend? The Edge can help!

Dear The Edge,
I’m considering investing in a trilby, but I worry that, well, it’ll look stupid. What do you think? Should I buy the hat?
Elijah

The Edge says:
My my, this isn’t the first headwear conundrum I’ve had to deal with as Edge counsellor. Maybe I should devote one column especially for queries about hats. Or maybe not. Anyway, in that case I told the guy to go for it, and in this case I’d advise exactly the same thing. It could look good on you, or it could not, but you won’t know until you’ve tried and been ridiculed. And your choice of hat is, may I say, commendable. The wide brim on a trilby is reminiscent of a bygone age, of an age where the pace of life was far slower. Have you considered that it is impossible to run in a hat with such a wide brim? If you’re the speedy type then it’s not for you, but if you like to take things a little more sedately then it seems like the perfect headwear choice. You have no choice but to take it easy in a trilby and, for that reason, it’s the hat of kings.

Dear The Edge,
I saw a girl from Southampton University in FRONT magazine a couple of issues back. I can’t stop thinking about her. How can I take the next step?
Dave

The Edge says:
Hiya Dave. I was under the impression that falling in love with a picture was, somehow, impossible. How can you possibly think all the time about someone that you don’t even know? Doesn’t that at least strike you as the tiniest bit weird? Anyway, I saw that same issue too... hiya Hayley... what with the strenuous amounts of research I do for this job. But maybe she’s not really the one for you. I mean, you don’t even know her and, without wishing to seem unkind, I’m of the opinion that you can put most women in underwear and make-up, take some magazine pictures, choose the best ones and, at the end of it all, they won’t look that bad. While I’m sure that she’s a very nice person, I just don’t think you should invest so much in a relationship that, wait for it, doesn’t actually exist. Next step? Well, gee, maybe actually, y’know, talking to her would be a good start. If you can’t get that far then I don’t see much hope for you, young man. Of course, I wouldn’t bother. I’m sure she won’t want the attention. Being stalked is actually far less fun that it seems and she’ll appreciate it as little as I do (you know who you are). The pressures of trying to maintain fame in and around the Southampton area is a tough job, I can tell you.

Dear The Edge,
I relish the prospect of leaving university, but am unsure.
Ozimandius

The Edge says:
Stop stop stop. This question is not ready yet. Where is the main thrust? Where is the conflict? You have no question mark or, from the sound of it, no direction. In which case, Ozimandius, you should be unsure. It’s a big, scary world, too big for the likes of you. The weight of expectation within your conflicted self will probably enough to split you. Hope that makes you feel better. Let me know how you get on.

Dear The Edge,
Am I a loser?
Britney S.

The Edge says:
Is that you Britney? If it is then the answer has to be a resounding, yes. You realise your career has faltered as the Reverend J.Timberlake has captured the heart of the world, which is why you recorded a crap single with Madonna, and then tongued her in the name of a cheap publicity stunt. And then you accidentally got married to a talking monkey friend while drunk but, to save face, you claimed to be sober, thus lying to the world. If you’d married me, I’d have happily sacrificed our friendship and claimed half of what was rightfully mine. Damn right. Hope that helps.