Valentine’s Day Done Properly


Do you think that clichéd romance has ruined Valentine’s Day? Of course you do! Because you’re the sort of person who buys your date a bag of self-raising instead of a bunch of flowers as an ‘ironic statement on commercialism’; you’re a character, the one your friends call ‘The life of the party’ to your face and ‘Who?’ behind your back and you are certainly not going to settle for predictable. So here you go, this is for you lot, some alternative Valentine’s Day ideas that you and your love will never forget…

So you’ve done the hard part; you’ve found a willing participant (based on your aforementioned personality, this is quite an achievement) and now all you need is a wonderfully romantic date idea. Well here are two suggestions, a luxury option and a budget one. If money’s not a problem, then why not make your date feel extra special by dressing up as a member of the Paparazzi, complete with telephoto lens camera and a nice hat with a ‘press’ ticket stuck in it, and then follow them around everywhere to make them feel like a superstar. After a fun day of photo-shoots around town, go home and publish a magazine with loads of articles judging your date’s weight and clothing choice, with close ups on their human imperfections and send it to everyone they know. Then top it all off by hacking into their voicemail and delete some of the messages left by their missing best friend… and the budget option? Exactly the same but without the hat. It’s a shame, because you looked great in that hat.

Then there’s the question of gifts. What do you get for your sweetheart that’s both romantic and original? Look no further than those passionate zombies, who often express their love for each other with the gift of a real human heart. What could be better than that? A gesture so romantic that puts the ‘eww’ back in ‘I love eww’ and the ‘gross’ in ‘there was an increase of 32%  gross profit in my love for you last quarter.’ But why should this loving sentiment only be exhibited by the undead?! It’s time to take back this proof of undying love, from those cold, dead, messed up zombie hands. I’m not saying ripping out your heart is essential to a good relationship, but you’ve really got to ask yourself… ‘Would I rather, make my partner happy… or have adequate oxygen supplied to cells around my body, allowing them to respire sufficiently to meet energy demands? If your answer is the latter, then maybe they’re not ‘The One’.

Image: Kathryn Smith
Image: Kathryn Smith

Last but not least… Fancy spicing it up in the bedroom with a spot of role-play? Well then, forget handcuffs and studded collars, nothing says I love you more than a bit of 1920s gangster warfare. But you’d best be quick; St. Valentine’s Day massacre costumes are selling out fast so grab your Al Capone trilbies and tommy guns from Anne Summers before they’re gone!

Whatever you’re doing this February 14th make sure it’s with the one you love (or hate, if the whole day has been an elaborate plan to string them along, wait until the right moment, and then break their heart). And spare a thought for St. Valentine, who is up there somewhere, his body, tortured, beaten and headless (his executioners really needed some more love in their life) and remember… he’s watching you, he’s watching everything you do with his gouged out saintly eyes, all of the time… whether it’s sensual fun at sex o’clock or half past crying yourself to sleep with loneliness… he’ll be watching.

Happy Valentine’s Day!



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