Varsity: The Non-Sporty blog

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We all have that one friend who knows absolutely nothing about sport. This is the person who drives you up the wall every game when all you wan’t to do is just sit and watch . They ask you constant questions, celebrate when the wrong team scores and often describe how they like the players ‘outfits’. Sport Editor Jack Pethick provides a parody blog as to what this friend might say about Varsity.

So, here we go then, Varsity 2K15. I think it’s a sporting competition between Southampton and Portsmouth University. Oooh! Is it like in Harry Potter when they do house points and stuff? I hope so!

The first game appears to be a rugby match I think. Both teams are wearing awful outfits though! The colour schemes are just completely all wrong and clashing.

Southampton Kick off! Wow that was a big kick! The guy on the other team caught it and has ran back towards the other teams goal. Some guy tackled him though and now they’re all having a big cuddle on the floor now, I thought rugby was a really manly sport?

Ow! Ow! Ow! Some big guy tackled another really big guy and now he’s bleeding! Omg is he going to die!?

Turns out it was just a nose bleed and he’s fine now, thought there was going to be drama at Varsity then! This game is really boring, they are all passing it backwards all the time, what’s the point? Surely it would be much easier just to get a guy in their goal or end zone or whatever you call it and just try and kick it or throw it really far to them?

The ball has been kicked out of play and now all the teams are lining up against each other for some reason. There is a guy from Southampton holding the ball off the field just shouting some random words which make no sense at all! How are his team supposed to understand what he’s saying?

Woah! After that call, two Southampton players just threw one of their teammates up in the air really really high! He caught the ball and now they’re all having a big cuddle again, must be celebrating that their cheerleading routine went really well!

The crowd are going wild for Southampton and I have absolutely no idea as to why! I think we scored but all the guy did was just fall on the ground over the line, isn’t that what they’ve been doing all game?

Following that ‘try’ (I’ve just been informed that that’s what happened) the skinny guy for Southampton appears to be looking to shoot at the goal now. Not sure why it has such big posts though, also he seems to be kicking off of a tee, is he playing golf or what?

The player shoots… And he… Misses, oh dear that was well over the bar! No goal for Southampton. Oh, actually I’m just being informed that he did the right thing and has actually scored a last minute ‘conversion’ for Southampton.

Last play called by the referee as the players go into what is called a ‘scrum’. It just looks like a giant cuddle to me if I’m being honest! ‘Touch, Pause, Engage’ is the call by the referee and they begin the cuddle. Not sure why he has to say that if I’m being honest, sounds a bit of a weird thing to say before a cuddle.

The ball is kicked out of play by Southampton and the crowd are going wild! I’m being told that Southampton have won the game 7-0, I’m not sure how they’ve got that score though because Southampton only scored one goal, what an idiot!

Reports are also telling me that this victory in the Rugby has meant that Gryffindor have won the house cup!

CORRECTION: My apologies, got caught up in the magic then! I mean Southampton have won the Varsity competition with those points, congratulations team Soton!

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Jack Pethick. Sport Editor 2014-2016. Third-Year History student. Mainly write for the Sport section but dabble in writing News and Features. General Armchair pundit and lover of all things Sport. #WouldDoABetterJobThanCarragher

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