How to Have A House Party


  1. Don’t over invite
  2. Know how many people are coming
  3. Plus ones normally mean more than one
  4. People lie on Facebook
  5. Lock your bedroom doors
  6. And by lock, securely bolt them
  7. Don’t let drunk people onto the roof
  8. Alcohol + roof = disaster
  9. There will always be someone who falls over and obtains a minor injury
  10. And probably someone who obtains a major one too
  11. There will always be that one kid who throws up on your bed
  12. They’re probably the same one running around shirtless proclaiming their love for pretty much everything and everyone
  13. And will be passed out by midnight on the floor
  14. Don’t lose your cactus
  15. Don’t lose your lawnmower
  16. Don’t lose your dignity
  17. Red cups
  18. Don’t invite rugby players
  19. Unless you want naked men strolling around your kitchen
  20. #LadBantz
  21. #cheekynandos
  22. Be nice to your neighbours
  23. And buy them wine when things go wrong
  24. Know how many people can fit in your house
  25. Or your room
  26. Or your roof for that matter
  27. Light bulbs will get broken
  28. So will your cactus
  29. Did I already mention the cactus?
  30. It didn’t deserve it
  31. Make sure your house has smoke alarms
  32. And don’t invite people who will set off the fire alarm
  33. Have your landlords number
  34. Just in case you can’t stop the fire alarm
  35. And it goes on for hours
  36. Literal hours
  37. Have a mop at the ready
  38. Get loud speakers
  39. Then get louder speakers
  40. Be prepared for all circumstances
  41. Even if your guests are only there for ten minutes
  42. Including fire alarms
  43. And people trashing cactuses
  44. That poor cactus
  45. Radiators will be dented
  46. As will your reputation
  47. Unless you end up on Tell Him/Tell Her
  48. In which case congrats!
  49. You’re now a BNOC
  50. Be nice to firemen
  51. Because when they are in your house for more than two hours it’s probably a good idea
  52. Make sure your lead tenant is at home
  53. As otherwise bad things can happen
  54. Save yourself some time
  55. Don’t have a house party

Wessex Scene Editor 2016-17 and Features Editor 2015-2016. History Student, Blog writer ( and traveller. Student Brand Ambassador for the i Paper 2015-2016. Tea lover, cat enthusiast. @Alicetotheskies

Comments are closed.