There were shocking scenes in Highfield last night as Avenue Campus declared independence from Southampton University. A spokesperson from the provisional government of Avenue Campus told Pause through his thick beard and fairtrade organic tea (hand-picked by blind Chilean puppies) that the people of Avenue Campus had suffered decades of oppression from Highfield Campus in which only the interests of students studying Engineering were taken seriously. Students taking any degree with “ology” in the name or a STEM subject have been forbidden from entering the new breakaway state, lest their textbooks and demeanours threaten the members of Avenue Campus and the haven of foreign language films that has been established.
No single administration for the new entity has become clear yet, as heated debate between the historians and philosophers on who is best equipped to run the campus has emerged with no clear winner after a seminar lasting eight days and precisely zero of the attendees having done any of the required reading, the intention being to start as they mean to go on. A source within the seminar pointed out that they knew no way to have a seminar other than to spend their reading time drinking and turning up hungover and unprepared, and then turn the conversation down as many tangents as possible to hide this lack of preparation. Experts predict that it may be several weeks before the decisions are made, and this seminar could break the world record for the world’s longest seminar, which is currently held by the Marxist Society for a 13 day seminar on “Why Jeremy Corbyn is Awesome” held in June, which was also conducted with the minimal of preparation reading.
It is feared by analysts that the rogue state of Avenue Campus may secure an alliance with the breakaway state of the Winchester School of Art, trapping Highfield Campus in a pincer movement of minimal contact hours and Waitrose food. A representative from the Winchester School of Art was meant to meet us to discuss these suggestions but unfortunately we scheduled the meeting for 10am and so she was unable to wake up in time. Highfield Campus officials have spoken about the danger of encirclement and called for the drinking of camomile tea and wearing of chunky wool cardigans to be declared a crime against humanity.
The general commander of the defence of Highfield Campus is a second year Mechanical Engineering student who has many years’ experience in command of his Warhammer toy soldiers, and has lambasted the authorities for not providing him with enough death lasers and mutant-alien-robot-ponies to use in the defence. In speaking exclusively to Pause from his basement room below the Engineering buildings between eating doritos and playing Call of Duty Modern Noscoper 4, he has stated his fears about the use of obscure tea blends as weapons as well as the not-so-ironic Doc Marten’s boots worn by the defence forces of Avenue Campus and has re-iterated his demands to be funded with technology to bring his World of Warcraft character into the real world to fight for him as only the Level 347 Wizards have the required skills to fight off hordes of aspiring writers and illustrators.
This new development brings questions about peace and stability in the region as the students, previously united under common origins (somewhere near Guildford probably, according to the Institute for Expert Studies) have begun to split. Furthermore, there are problems of outside intervention. Vladimir Putin has apparently announced that Russia will defend the “Pro-Russian minorities’ of the Russian department, leading other world leaders to stake their claims. The Americans are uninterested but will fire a few missiles anyway into the disputed territory of Portswood. The territory of Chandler’s Ford is likely to fall as well to a pack of badgers that have been let loose in the high street, as these badgers have declared the Badger Uprising and called for all Badgers in England to emigrate at once to join their brothers and sisters.
Reactions and Responses to the Crisis:
“Portswood? That’s outside London right?” – Jeremy Corbyn
“The Government is doing all that it can to assist, unfortunately that means precisely three peacekeepers will be deployed” – David Cameron
“Mine’s a pint and pack of pork scratchings” – Nigel Farage