Strategy Against ISIS To Be Voted On By The Public


Top level RAF commanders last night told Pause’s Internet Affairs reporter (sadly our defence correspondent is on extended sabbatical in Mosul and hasn’t been heard of) that they have given up trying to form a coherent strategy in the war against ISIS and will instead allow members of the public to vote for the military strategy they support on a new Saturday night primetime TV show called ‘Britain’s Got Taliban’.

Wing Commander Sir Giles Flashheart, grandson of the legendary World War One fighter ace, told reporters through his immaculately oiled moustache that

“Frankly we don’t give a toss anymore, our Prime Minister seems to think that it’s just a matter of going tiddly-up-up-up, dropping a few bombs and back to Blighty for tea and medals, and the less said about the howling mob of ill-informed social media cretins the better. We’ve decided to crowdsource our top level strategic planning to the sort of people who watch Saturday night TV because we’ve given up hope. On your heads be the consequences.”

He then climbed into a Spitfire, opened a bottle of champagne and flew off into the skies towards Europe, and into the country pile of his latest Italian mistress.


Tiddly-Up-Up-Up: RAF ready for operations
Tiddly-Up-Up-Up: RAF ready for operations


The initial panel of judges is reported to be Jeremy Clarkson, Mary Berry and Sue Perkins, who will rate the plans for war offered by members of the public before a televised vote and a live results show after the lottery. The results were due to be present by Piers ‘Still not as hated as Gary Glitter’ Morgan, but sadly he has apparently defected to ISIS in the hopes of finding a place where he isn’t quite the most obnoxious person in the area.

Initial plans that are set to be put forward to the public range from Jeremy Corbyn’s proposal of sending a sternly-worded yet polite letter to the ‘Mad Mullah of Mosul’, Abu Bakr Al-Baghdadi, informing him that he will be forced to take the matter to the council if he doesn’t stop his most annoying behaviour, to Katie Hopkins’ proposal for the resurrection of Bomber Harris and building of over 1,000 Lancaster bombers to pound Raqqah into the dust.

Many members of the public seem to be thinking that any campaign against ISIS will involve WW2-style area bombing and mass slaughter of innocents. Although government sources allege that the moment when a 19 year old Sociology student posted a long facebook status about baby-killers was a pivotal moment when strikes were very nearly called off, they told us exclusively that

“We don’t care. There’s no point explaining what’s happening, even we aren’t entirely sure, so how can we expect the normal people to get anything beyond emotive and ill-informed social media posts?”

Southampton University Marxist Society are apparently proposing a solution to be aired on the TV programme, which involves the mass deployment of leaflets advertising ‘seminars’ of no intellectual value or actual debate that nobody in their right mind would ever attend onto any suitable library tables and bus shelter walls in ISIS territory. Al-Baghdadi has denounced this motley mob of vegetarian sandal-wearers as agents of Satan himself, although conceded that their strategy is one which would be certain to have an impact on his sordid operations as Jihadis are literally inundated with advertising about the opportunities to hear a failed economics postgrad from Surrey speak about the inherent contradictions in quasi-medieval religious extremism.


In other news;

Badger invasion of Chandler’s Ford declares allegiance with ISIS

Man found in St Denys sober and not on drugs, Police declare day of celebration

Pig claims that “I never had sexual relations with that Prime Minister”




Pause Editor 2015-7, History student on Erasmus, maker of low-quality satire. When not writing for Pause, I dabble in Travel and Politics.

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