Jesus Only Rose From the Dead to Make Binging on Chocolate Socially Acceptable


**Disclaimer, this article is satire and is not intended to offend but jest at the bastardisation of Easter away from a Christian Holiday**

Jesus Christ has only risen from the dead to prevent us from feeling guilty about eating that 7th Easter egg, it has emerged.

Recent research has shown that Easter Sunday is now the only day of the year where it is socially acceptable to shove large quantities of processed sugary goods into one’s mouth, with Mr Christ himself stating on record that it was the motivation of a Lindt egg on the other side of his tomb that motivated him to roll away that rock from his tomb.

Obviously, chocolate was the main motivating factor’, grunted Jesus through a mouthful of processed cocoa. ‘But I was really disappointed that there was no special surprise on the inside of the egg – even some of those strawberry and cream chocolate things would have been nice.

‘It took a lot of effort to leave my bed in the sky – coming back to life is a lot harder than you think, and I should be rewarded for it!.

When asked if he had any special message to his twelve devoted followers, Mr Christ had this to say:

‘Just to make it clear and on record, chocolate was not and is not a temptation. My message to you all is this: spread the word that, on this day, and this day only, chocolate is the holy sacrament, especially Lindt.

‘Indulging on this egg-shaped delightfulness on any other day might be quite bad for you, so you probably shouldn’t do it for the sake of your waistlines. But today, however, is completely fine’.

It later emerged that both Moses and Elvis Presley tried to prevent Jesus returning to the mortal world, with Elvis saying that not everyone would believe his crusade for allowing everyone to over-indulge on chocolate and that the world was full of ‘suspicious minds’.

However, Jesus later returned to an expectant Mr Presley in the sky, safe in the knowledge that his crusade for a one-day feast of chocolate was secured, thanks to his ability to convince others that an all-day binge was now socially acceptable.

Reacting to the news, Mrs Smith, from Hull, commented that:

‘I knew that Jesus bloke was rather nice, but this information confirms that.

‘I can now strut into Debenhams on Monday and fail to squeeze into my normal clothes size safe in the knowledge that it’s perfectly acceptable, and it’s expected of almost everyone now.

‘It has justified one of my 365 days of binging on processed food – he just needs to work on the other 364!’.


Deputy Editor of the Wessex Scene for 2015/16. I often write News, Politics and Opinion pieces. As well as writing for the Scene I can be found in the Surge Radio studio, where I am the Head of News. Also, as I'm new to twitter and desperate, follow me!! @95moliver

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