Sir Tim Berners-Lee, the man behind the internet and well-known face of virtually any publicity material Southampton University has used in the last decade, today may or may not have told Pause in a revelatory interview he considers his magnum opus, the World Wide Web, to be a ‘mistake’, claiming that he ‘would have deleted the files’ if he had known how humanity would use it.
“I gave you people the most fantastic invention in human history. You can communicate instantly with anybody anywhere in the world (except for North Korea and some areas of Wales), exchanging ideas, and find out anything about any topic you choose. The whole of human knowledge and experience is literally at your fingertips. And what did you use it for? Fucking hell the cat videos are actually the bit I like most. I know it’s probably human nature to only use it for the most vapid, futile and self-aggrandising purpose you could find, but what was I thinking allowing this to happen? This was the biggest disaster for humanity since Anime.”
Singling out those who have grown up with the internet, Sir Tim apparently attacked the pampered middle-class twenty-somethings popularly called ‘Millennials’ in traditional media by people who don’t quite understand that ‘youth culture’ and the various changes it takes has been out of the reach, financially or geographically, of the vast majority of British young adults for centuries, as being particularly brazen culprits. “They are soiling my invention with constant vapid and self-centred updates on twitter and Instagram, sites which only serve to increase man’s obsession with ostentatious wealth and celebrity worship, only now there is a whole website they can use to this end. Frankly you don’t deserve the vote, let alone have campaigns dedicated to getting you out of bed long enough to walk five minutes and draw a little cross in a box.”
It is difficult to really pinpoint what the single worst website on the internet is. 4chan might well be full of 14 year olds who have just discovered swearing, but at least they’re openly repulsive. Tumblr and that site’s userbase promote the delusional idea that everybody is a unique special snowflake with no obligations or responsibilities to their fellow human (or otherkin), whereas Reddit promotes the similar concept based on a misplaced sense of superiority, which is alarmingly common in young men with 2:2s in some subject vaguely related to numbers and a marijuana dependency. These online communities are, however, harmless. Their members do not leave their rooms enough to threaten us. Berners-Lee pointed out the sheer idiocy of a website where anybody can express their moronic views in fewer than 140 characters of text. Far more threatening to human civilisation is social media, the slack-jawed users of which actually do leave the house. He elaborates on his point “I watched a David Attenborough documentary about the gazelles of the African savannah. The way they run around in massive herds, blindly following a leader while being ignorant of their surroundings is an analogy for modern humanity that Shakespeare himself would be proud to come up with.”
Proposing a solution to this disaster which has befallen humanity, the interview with Pause was concluded with Tim expressing his desire for the world to revert to some sort of medieval state, complete with feudalism, eating nothing but beans with skimmed milk (he argues this bit would appeal to many people today) and dying of the plague.