Leaked: City Council’s Defence Manual In Case Of Invasion by Portsmouth


By chance discovered by a Wessex Scene reporter on the backseat of a Unilink bus, Southampton City Council’s draft civil defence advice manual in the event of invasion by Portsmouth (rumoured to have been inspired by Lithuania’s recent provision of a civil defence advice handbook in case of invasion by Russia):

In the increasingly likely event of invasion by Portsmouth, Southampton City Council provides the following information and advice in order to preserve the freedom of Southampton and its glorious citizens:

  1. Firstly, do not panic! Southampton has overall a larger population than Portsmouth and will eventually defeat them by sheer weight of numbers. Furthermore, this council took the proactive step of arranging for an extensive and strong medieval wall to be constructed around the town centre in the fourteenth century. While acknowledging that Southampton residents may have reused parts in the intervening centuries and the Luftwaffe may have produced a few gaps in the wall during the Second World War, we believe it provides sufficient protection.
  2. Faith is also held in our eventual victory due to Southampton receiving in 2006 from Men’s Fitness Magazine the award for ‘Fittest City in the UK’. Clearly, superior fitness will allow us to defeat any invasion force.
  3. We will raise to their association with the Tudor warship the Mary Rose and Nelson’s flagship HMS Victory, our links with the Titanic, Mayflower and Spitfire.
  4. Be advised of the perils of Portsmouth folk seeking to sell Spinnaker Tower tickets. Unless you really like glass floors, it is advised that you avoid this expense, which may lead to bankruptcy.
  5. In case of encirclement by Portsmouth invasion forces in the Portswood area of Southampton, we advise the best approach is to challenge them to drinking Jesticles in Jesters. They will be unable to cope. Alternatively, challenge them to reach the centre of the Jesters dance floor – this will keep them occupied for a few years.
  6. Although we believe rumours of Portsmouth folk’s poor hygiene to be untrue, naturally as a precaution, in the event of an invasion we advise keeping anti-bacterial hand wash, or soap, about your person at all times.
  7. It is advised to deploy a peg on your nose to help protect you from the overwhelming stench of envy emanating from Portsmouth folk. This derives from the University of Southampton’s consistently higher ranking than Portsmouth University and domination of Varsity.
  8. In the event of an initially successful Portsmouth invasion of Southampton, the following subversive actions are recommended: deployment in the summer months as symbols of resistance throughout the town centre, of colourful sculptures of zebras; mentioning how in three years Southampton F. C. have risen from League 1 to the Premier League and beaten Italian heavyweights Inter Milan while Portsmouth F. C. slid from being in the Premier League and FA Cup winners in 2008 to now struggling in League 2.
  9. In the event of food shortages, foraging for food, like berries, in the nearby New Forest is recommended. Please note, in forests there are often edible and poisonous berries together. We recommend you do not eat the poisonous ones.
  10. In reference to 9, no matter the starvation, destruction and chaos caused by a Portsmouth invasion of Southampton, you are still not allowed to pick mushrooms. Leave them to the ponies.

Editor 2018-19 | International Editor 2017/18. Final year Modern History and Politics student from Bedford. Drinks far too much tea for his own good.

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