In an astonishing development in what has been the most unpredictable event in US politics since Bill Clinton’s affairs or that one time Kennedy snorted 2 grams of blow with some mafia bosses, Donald Trump has announced that he will no longer work as America’s 45th president. Ignoring the countless scandals and allegations of ineptitude, he told American state media that the straw that broke the camel’s back was a photograph shared on facebook by a current student at Southampton University, who staged a minor protest on the redbrick.
He told reporter Hank G. Schubelgruber IV while on a visit to McDonald County, Virginia, that this turn of events was too major to ignore and he felt no longer able to continue in his new role as President, although he had already abdicated the traditional role of leader of the Free World to our Lady and Saviour, ‘Mother’ Theresa.
“I was busy tweeting at 3am, casting doubt on Chelsea Clinton’s paternity, right? I have the best tweets, trust me, the world needs to hear my views on this important matter. Clinton is a lying crook – sad! Anyway, Mike Pence came into my room and told me that it was all over. First off I told that stupid Catholic hillbilly to leave me to my shitposting, no way anything could stop me now. He told me ‘Donald, I’m serious’, which surprised me because nobody is as serious as I am. So we headed down to the Situation Room, where I tried not to fire any nuclear missiles at Kim Jong Un. You know he eats sharks right? Sad! There we saw footage from a little town called Southampton in England, and believe me I love those quirky Brits, of four students holding placards saying ‘Dump Trump’ on the redbrick. After being told Obama took all his drones when he left, I realised the game was up. My resignation is effective as of noon today.”
Trump’s election victory and inauguration, controversially won by Trump according to the rules the US has used for centuries, has sparked indignation the world over. Southampton is no exception. Ignoring any issues in Britain which some campaign work could make a difference in, declining law and order, collapsing infrastructure or the fact that Freddoes now cost 30p, it has been popular to protest against Trump despite people here having no impact on US affairs.
Pause’s Indignation Correspondent, went to the protest on the redbrick and spoke to some of the protesters. One of them, a second year Film student, claimed not really to understand the issue but was there to impress a girl from his seminar. Another, a Sociology fresher, spent 8 minutes telling us about the dialectics of Trump’s election and how it heralds the end of Western civilisation as we know it. We went to the pub for a really badly needed refreshment, and reassured ourselves that we do not live under Trump and have nothing to do with him. Then the TV changed channel to the news and normal service resumed.
Many have asked Barack Obama, the previous president, to stay on for another four years due to this news. However, Obama couldn’t be reached as he was busy bombing a Yemeni wedding party in the life-sized Predator Drone cockpit he has now set up in his basement to play Microsoft Drone Simulator 2017, with all the DLC packs included.