Trump’s State Visit Address To Be Made At Turner Sims


After Speaker of the Commons John Bercow announced Donald Trump would not be able to speak in Westminster Hall on his impending State Visit to Britain, Southampton has become entangled in the ongoing soap opera of the White House once again.


A government spokesman, Hugh Guthrie-Coningsby, suggested today on BBC Radio Solent that Trump’s address to the ‘Great and Good’ [Surely he meant ‘the mediocre, corrupt and deviant’? – Editor] of the land could well take place at the Turner Sims hall at Southampton University.


“As you know, we have a programme of throwing the odd bone to people who don’t live in London or Scotland. Part of this includes greater engagement in world politics, holding events such as these in towns up and down the country. However, we don’t want to waste something so momentous as the President of the USA on a bunch of inbred Mancunian buffoons. Sensible counties like Hampshire with plenty of Tory MPs lose out from this policy. We are inviting, therefore, Mr Trump to make his address to the MPs and Peers in the Turner Sims Hall at Southampton University”


The White House has responded warmly to this suggestion, with Republican Party spokesman Johnny V. Schukelgruber III pointing out how much the new president loves those ‘quaint, crazy Limeys’ with their bad teeth, perverse humour and incomprehensible accents at a press conference in Gloucester (pronounced Glows-ester) County, Tennessee. Donald Trump himself put out a tweet congratulating the City of Southampton on their good luck at having him visit.


However, this announcement from Theresa May, the disappointing 2016 remake of the 80s cult classic that everybody knows, love it or hate it, has garnered some opposition. President of the Marxist Society, Citizen Jones [of the Surrey Joneses], told Pause’s Campus Indignation Correspondent (almost as overworked as VP Engagement) from his 37-bedroom mansion in the heart of the Surrey countryside that the ‘workers’ of Highfield Campus will seize this opportunity to rise up and expel the evil orange-faced imperialist. But not before lunchtime.


Inbred Mancunian Buffoon extraordinaire Deano, who we found to speak about this snub to Britain’s Second City, was about to rant at us for hours about this until we threw a 20 bag of ketamine at him. He responded “ah propa sound yeah?” and waddled off to enjoy his afternoon.


Pause Editor 2015-7, History student on Erasmus, maker of low-quality satire. When not writing for Pause, I dabble in Travel and Politics.

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