Hampshire To Seek An Independence Referendum


To add further to the government’s worries about keeping the United Kingdom together in these uncertain times, last night the leader of Hampshire County Council delivered his demand for a referendum on the county’s independence be granted by Westminster. Councillor Gerard Chuffington-Warner, who represents the village of Fusty Tweedsden in east Hampshire, announced in a press conference down the White Swan gastropub in his village, that he was taking this unprecedented step in response to the government’s constant ignoring of Hampshire issues in the Brexit negotiations and government of our country in general.


His demands for Theresa May, which went unanswered by Downing Street, included ensuring in the Brexit negotiations that the status of Italian sparkling wines, French cheeses and free movement to charming timeshare villas in Northern Portugal were protected. However, no such assurance, related to issues he claimed to be of critical importance to his population, was received, and so he was forced to take this unprecedented step. Furthermore, this is, according to his speech, merely symptomatic of decades of vicious misrule by Westminster, which believes that ‘Scotland’ and ‘Wales’ are actually not places from Terry Pratchett novels, and spends money that should be spent on the absolute ‘shitstate’ that the train to Portsmouth is [yeah but I mean, you don’t expect a train to the wastelands to be as good as the ones to normal places – Editor]on making the train ride of miserable London commuters eight seconds shorter.


Analysts have suggested that Hampshire would have a better chance of going independent and being an economic success than Scotland, or many actual real-world countries like Spain. The only resource, according to the Wessex Scene’s analysts, it would lack for in the event of independence without a free trade deal would be the letter ‘H’ and knowledge on how to pronounce it. However, there are some problems with the proposal, with Southampton and Portsmouth likely to break away from each other. The Mayor of Southampton is already calling for a “fucking huge wall” on the M27 to keep out the “Portsmouth chavs” and the “carrot-munching Dorset inbreds” from our city.


Theresa May is unlikely to accept the demands, however there is every chance that Hampshire could break away unilaterally, with everyone and their mums ‘packing heat’ in the New Forest and some parts of the cities alike, they would surely be a force to be reckoned with.


Pause Editor 2015-7, History student on Erasmus, maker of low-quality satire. When not writing for Pause, I dabble in Travel and Politics.

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