It has been two days since hostilities broke out between the United Kingdom and the Kingdom of Spain over the status of Gibraltar, home to a vital strategic monkey population. Fighting has been predominantly focused on the Costa del Sol, home to a British fifth column of stag do’s and retired bank robbers. British forces are seeking to annex the region into Greater Gibraltar, with a Ministry of Defence spokesman claiming that ‘living space’ is needed for the sun loungers before the Germans nick them all.
Pause’s War Correspondent, in flak jacket and all, was right in the centre of a skirmish which will go down in the history of this conflict. The ‘Charge of the Light Ale Brigade’, led by Brigadier Ian ‘Bulldog’ Clarkson, a 42 year-old plasterer from Doncaster, commanding a mixed force comprised of the Royal Tankard Regiment, the Prince of Wales’ Own Drunkards and the 4th Battalion (Farage’s Own) The Bantershire Fusiliers.
The ragged formation charged the main bar strip in Magaluf, mounting a diversionary attack in the Balearics to distract Spanish forces from the main force in the Costa del Sol. Coming under heavy fire from tear gas and water cannons from the Spanish riot police, the gallant but outnumbered British troops, stormed Pedro’s Pub armed with bar stools and pint glasses. Each man consumed on an average of 23 pints of beer, denying the enemy use of these vital war supplies and demoralising the Germans, who were busy digging trenches on the beach and wearing socks, forcing the Spanish lines back further. A French military observer commented “It is magnificent, but you Barbarian Anglais really need to sort out your collective drink problem.” A German observer failed to see the joke inherent in this scenario.
Geopolitical analysts suggest that Spain, a country which even Italy could probably beat when it comes to it, has no real chance of winning this conflict given the pivotal role of pro-British forces in the Costa del Sol, now renamed Greater Gibraltar under Governor-General Jacob Rees-Mogg. Pause contacted representatives of the Spanish Armed Forces for comment about the heavy defeats and setbacks suffered by them, but it was after 1pm so they were all fast asleep.