Jesters Survival Guide


Jesters; incredible tunes, unrivalled banter and toilets less hygienic than a North Korean prison camp. And that’s if you like it. Even if you’re not a Jesters lover, there will come a time when you must be thrown kicking and screaming (dancing and singing) into what I can only describe as a substitute for ecstasy mixed with early 2000s bangers. It truly is the Palace of Dreams.

  1. Accept Defeat

You must accept that anything is possible in Jesters. Forget your phone, forget your wallet, hell even forget your standards. Accept that you may lose all of these things. Set the expectations of survival low – if you keep any of these three you have done well.  Remember that. Do give it your all though – portable chargers are definitely the best investment on any night out.

Credit: Flickr, BagoGames                                       *A student trying to protect his space on the dancefloor*

Clubs can be busy. But the struggle of a Monday night at Jesters is something else. The claustrophobic mess should make your night worse, but it doesn’t. Apart from that one mate who thinks he’s Mike Tyson after a couple of beers; getting chucked about a bit is a harmless part of the experience. But your poor clothes will get ruined. You may emerge from the dancefloor whole, but your drink definitely won’t. You might not even spill any drink on yourself, but everyone else will. The Jesticle stains are unavoidable and frequent. What you wear is vital to not ruining your wardrobe every week, bringing us onto the most well-known piece of advice…

2. Buy Jesters Shoes

Credit: Zach Sharif
My glamorous Jesters shoes.

The most famous shoes in the South Coast; Jesters shoes are absolutely vital to avoid ruin. Look for the cheapest and most knackered shoes you can – an old pair will do. It doesn’t matter that they look like they’ve come from the spare kit in the P.E department or that they don’t really fit you. As long as they’re comfortable and are never worn anywhere else. Nobody’s going to see these once you’re inside, and frankly, even if they do, nobody will care. Nothing ruins shoes like Jesters. The mesh of mixed alcohol, dirt, grime, and whatever else stains the floor will turn white shoes black, and good shoes bad.

Credit: Flickr, Andrew Mager
 Another Jesters casualty.


Even my phone’s audio stopped working for a good 3 days as what I can only describe as ‘Jesters juice’ was clogging the speaker. Ensure a good phone case. Freshers in a state are not the best co-ordinated. You’ll want the toughest phone case around that will be as reliable as a Nokia without looking like one.

3.  It’s a mess, but it’s your mess

Jesters, voted the worst nightclub in Europe, is a madhouse. The stench of booze, sweat and flooded excuses for toilets fills the boxed, bricked and baking hot building that calls itself a club. Yet students regularly pack the small sweaty dancefloor, belting out ‘Let it Go’. Most students love it. I love it. It’s smelly, dirty and cheap. But so are you. Jesters plays the old school bangers celebrating your youth. The drinks are so affordable you can forget any worries at all for a few hours and just have let yourself go. I wasn’t initially a fan, and you might not be too at first. But it is the people who make it what it is. Who doesn’t want to bounce up and down to ‘Stacey’s Mom’ every week? The optimism surrounds you. The look on everyone’s face says it all. Pure Happiness. And that’s what Jesters is.


Deputy Editor, Wessex Scene. 3rd Year English student. I write everything, but love a good Opiniony Politics piece - would describe politics as left wing.

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