It was a magical night; complete with the warm sea breeze and twinkly fairy lights. Or at least it should have been.
I had met a handsome stranger opposite me a few days before the date. Admittedly, it was dark and I was at a club so the fact that he was actually decent looking was a bonus point for me. But you know what they say, you make terrible decisions while intoxicated and this was slowly being proven true.
The date started off well with a dreamy walk on the beach followed by an elaborate picnic in the sand. Unfortunately, the air of romance surrounding us quickly vanished when the topic of his friends came up. After some gentle, yet forceful coaxing, I discovered his infamous “ranking system”. This is how it went:
Type 1: She is hot but very unintelligent, so is ideal for a one night stand.
Type 2: She is hot and has a cute personality so you date her but initiate a physical relationship early because you know it won’t last.
Type 3 (which was apparently me): She is hot with an incredible personality making her wife material so you hold off on the intimacy for a while.
Needless to say, I was mortified. Not only because I was being objectified and ranked along with the previous women he had come across, but also that he had such strong feelings towards our “relationship” when we hadn’t even reached dessert yet. I mean, wife material? You haven’t even seen me at my worst, hungover state. Trust me. You don’t want to go there. Truly though, looking back at it now, that should have been my first warning sign.
From then on, it only took a turn for the worst. After he was done gushing over his misogynistic friends he decided to focus on mine, who apparently dress too provocatively for his liking and do not behave like ‘proper ladies’. Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t live in fairytale land – I don’t expect everyone to get along with each other – but disrespecting my friends is a definitive strike. What proved to be even more shocking was that, despite his overly macho attitude, he spent a good twenty minutes on the phone to his mother. I’m all for family love but we are on a “romantic” date; don’t just leave me there so you can chat.
After that I have to admit it got marginally better, he decided to test our compatibility by playing a game of chess on his phone. This proved to be the highlight of the night though, as he followed it up with an intimate although terrifying conversation about his genitals, which let me tell you was very scarring and very unnecessary. But then again, even that wasn’t as weird as his monologue on shoe repair.
The worst part of the situation, however, was that being the gullible fool I am, I didn’t realise quite how bad this date was turning out to be and in a reckless abandonment of all common sense, I allowed him to walk me home. Not only did he decide that this was the ideal moment to kiss me because the date was going so well, but he also reeked of cigarette smoke and thought it would be appropriate to smell the inside of my ear. Now I don’t know about you guys but that’s not really my cup of tea.
Reading this back now I realise that maybe I shouldn’t have continued this “relationship” but then again, we learn from our mistakes.