The popular adages “time is a healer” or “things always get better” are go-to silence fillers in post grief conversations.
However, reflecting on the loss of my mother, I have a newfound perspective on this simplistic prognosis for one of the most complex and incomprehensible human experiences.
Before going on with this reflection, it is not to invalidate the intentions of those people who listen and support in the most difficult of hours, because in reality, there are precious little words that could adequately advise someone on their process of grief.
The second disclaimer is that all human experiences are different; this is just my take.
So, what actually is time to us? On a practical level it how we divide our activities in the day, how we plan for the future, and how we landmark the past.
On a deeper emotional and sociological level, it’s human experience and all that may entail. It’s not a case of only when things happen, but also the substance of those events relative to the time that they fall and the place they have in our memory of the past, and perception of the present.
Time does have an impact on how we remember events and subsequently react to them, for certain. But are we certain that this is a positive change as it is so often expressed as?
With an understanding of what time is in this context, let’s breakdown what putting distance between yourself and loss can do for you.
Firstly, it allows you to change the trajectory of your life following the event in which you grieve. Events of intense loss can act as landmarks of progression in which one can become acutely more aware, and proud, of what they have achieved relative to when the loss occurred.
Grief can also often give people greater purpose in the pursuit of filling the time after the loss with positive events. This provides an alternative reflection, a more positive one, and opens a new channel of dialogue between your present and past selves and the memory that the grief holds.
It opens the door to more emotions to occupy the space in your mind dedicated to the memory of this particular grief.
Subsequently, time also takes away from the “rawness” of the loss; the recency of events forces the sheer nature of the loss to occupy every corner of the mind, in which a more positively diverse range of emotions cannot be attributed to the loss.
An example of these effects of time is this article itself; I am only writing this because time has allowed me an extended period of reflection in which I have been able to, albeit somewhat, comprehend my grief.
Time, therefore, can be an enabler in which we get to grips with our own memory through self-reflection, carving our own paths through life, and doing our loved ones proud.
However, what often invalidates the phrase “time is a healer” is the assumption that the positive change of time outweighs the continuity of loss.
Because, with every one of these positive changes of time, there is a painful continuity that accompanies them: not being able to hold that person’s hand again, nor ask them for advice, or even introduce them to new friends/partners, and maybe tell them of your achievements.
It is important to note that this is on a physical level, because I do believe you can continue communicating with your lost loved ones on an emotional level (I’m not talking ouija boards and candlelit rooms).
However, the hole left by grief doesn’t get bigger nor smaller, it’s always present. Time allows us to contemplate it, but not return it to its initial state. Whilst the rawness of emotion disappears, the painfully long distance between hearing their last words and feeling their last warmth becomes a new time-related challenge, that, in my experience has got harder as distance increases.
So, is time a healer? Truthfully, I don’t know. What is for certain is that time and grief are two extremely complex terms and a simplistic linear relationship between them does not exist. Time has a multi-faceted impact on an emotionally diverse human experience; the simple branding of this phrase does not permit this understanding.
If any of the issues raised in this article are affecting you, remember you can reach out to the student hub 24/7.
