Wake up, your exam is today!! Nah I’m just messing with you, go back to bed… unless of course you’re reading this on the day of your exam… if so then you’d better wake up, your exam is today.
Yes, it’s that time of year again. Exams are looming and students all across Southampton, and the world, are trying desperately to distract themselves. As runner-up of the ‘World Procrastination Championships’ myself (I lost out narrowly to the legend that is Billy ‘Get Distracted Easily’ McGhee), I understand the plight of the student who has to struggle with carefully balancing revision with their many interests and hobbies such as Netflix, bear baiting and not doing revision. So to help you all, here are my top tips for getting the most out of the pre-exam period.
First off, why not try dabbling in the occult? Yeah ok, Satan may have a few odd ideas about eternal damnation and central heating, but he sure as hell knows (pun most definitely intended) his oxbow lakes from his photosynthesis and his integration from his microeconomics. After all he invented them… or was that God?… or Darwin?… You see, if I had sold my soul to the devil in return for infinite knowledge, I could probably tell you. And how much is your soul worth really? Yeah sure, you only get one of them, but that’s also true of your appendix and you don’t miss that when it’s gone, after it decides to try and kill you! Basically what I’m saying is, sell your soul now while you still can, before it explodes. And let’s be honest, would you rather be either, a happy-go-lucky 2:1 student, with friends and a shining soul but no sports car, or a demonic soulless husk with a 1st, who can twist their head round 360 degrees but does own a sports car? I know which one I’d choose… Vroom Vroom suckers, which way to the underworld?!
There are still many more pearls of revision advice I have to share with you, in fact here’s a simple pneumonic to help you remember them…
I’ll take you through it. The G stands for ‘Give Up’, remember that is always an option. Then I is for ‘I mean it, give up’, it’s really important to reiterate that one. V stands for ‘Veal’, an excellent source of protein. E is of course ‘Edward Heath’, this one is a bit of a long shot but may help those of you studying politics. The blank space between the E and the U, is just a blank space; don’t read anything into it. Next up it’s my personal favourite – U for ‘U can give up, no one’s judging’, sound advice indeed. And last but most certainly not least, P for ‘Pneumonic ends’.
But seriously, my best piece of advice about revision is… Stop reading this! Just stop! Do some work! Close the magazine… no wait… read the other brilliant articles in here first… done? Good, now close it… I mean it Abigail! – I really hope there’s a person called Abigail reading this and beginning to freak out right about now – Burn the magazine! Realise that burning magazines is a tad excessive! Retrieve the charred magazine! Take out some work! Take a very deep breath and… Revise! *Tumbleweed Sound FX* Watch Netflix!
So please, even if you forget everything else I’ve told you today, just remember – G.I.V.E U.P., G.I.V.E U.P. and G.I.V.E U.P. again, and I’m sure you’ll do fine. Good luck!
Feature Image by Sam Penny.