As we near the Wessex Scene’s 79 year, 3 month and 12 days anniversary it seems like the perfect time to look back at some of the best articles the Scene has ever produced, all written by some of the most talented student journalists in the world. So without further ado, here are our top 3…
3. “Hundreds of Breakfast Atheists Converted”
Published on 20th December 1968, Written by Steve Omelette.
With Breakfast Day fast approaching, considered by Breakfast Believers to be the most important day of the year, Breakfast atheists all around the world were shocked when a Jesus was discovered that looked like a piece of toast.
The Church of Latté Day Saints welcomed the miracle and proclaimed that it was a call for peace between the Full English Followers and believers from the Continent.
The waves of new converts were welcomed into the church in a special ceremony held by Pope Benedict. This angered the Right Reverend Florentine and Friar Up who believed this privilege should have been given to them.
If you would like to know more about the Holy Toast, you can visit the Breakfast Union or Text-A-Jesus every Wednesday, from anywhere on campus (Ham filling not available).
2. “Explosion at Local Invisible Ink Factory”
Published on 9th July 1986, Written by John Goodengon
A terrible explosion ripped through the Now You See MeTM Invisible Ink factory, killing 136 of its workers.
The company had filed for bankruptcy a year earlier due to the decreased demand for invisible ink, ever since the Nazis invented lemons during World War 2.
The remains of the Now You See MeTM Factory
“I just don’t understand it,” mused the manager Craig Cranckyskanckle, ‘There should not have been anyone inside. We sent urgent written memos to all workers regarding evacuation!’
No bodies have ever been found.
“Man Found Dead in Graveyard” “No Fake News Happens”
Published on 32nd March 2014, Written by Claire Madeupname
Southampton and the entire country was stunned in March of last year, when no fake news happened at all.
Daily Mail reporter Dianne Slowly complained, “It’s awful, we’re having to report on actual facts and figures, this type of reliable journalism is not what the public have come to expect!”
Experts believe that the lack of fake news has been caused by an overuse of the Absurdity Budget by the government.
In a memo leaked to the Wessex Scene from the Department of Light-Hearted Propaganda, it was revealed that, in order to bump the story concerning the 20% rise in house prices down the news pecking order, the government spent the rest of the Absurdity reserve, leading to the coronation of His Majesty Dick Dastardly and 5 separate news stories involving breakfast based religious events.
However, the same memo claimed that the: ‘Psychotic Clown kills 13 in Custard Pie Massacre’ incident was not the government’s doing and was in fact, a tragic (but completely real) event.
So there you have it, we hope you agree with our countdown. Commiserations to those that didn’t make the cut; better luck in the next 79 years, 3 months and 12 days!
Feature image by Emily Spittle