Gifts Not to Give Your Significant Other This Christmas


One of the hardest parts of the holiday season is deciding just what to get for that special person in your life. Luckily, Pause is on hand to narrow down the selection with some hints on which presents will go down worse than a pork buffet at a Bar Mitzvah:

  • A lock of your ex’s hair.
  • A real life reindeer. Cool, but impractical.
  • Mein Kampf. Especially do not qualify this with ‘but you love reading autobiographies!’
  • A gift certificate good for ‘one chance to perform oral sex on me’.
  • The gift intended for the person you’re cheating on them with.
  • Your heart. Don’t listen to Wham, despite what they did last Christmas. The real reason George Michael’s never going to dance again in Careless Whisper is because he’s missing a vital organ.
  • A one-way plane ticket to Israel.
  • A scrapbook of all the cracker jokes you collected over Christmas dinner.
  • Photoshop your face into loads of old photos of her and her family to show how much you care.
  • Herpes.


Above image by Marta Beltowska.


Editor and MA English student. Follow on Twitter @SamEverard1

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