Landlord Nightmares


The following series of emails, between some Tenants and their Landlord, were found on a dusty computer in an abandoned house in Southampton. Read on but beware…disregard this cautionary tale at your own peril!   

Dear Mr. Landlord,

We hope you are very well and have had a wonderful summer.

We are awfully sorry to bother you but since moving into our new house we have discovered a few problems.

Firstly, we have no hot water or heating at all, due to the non-existence of a boiler. There is however a boiler shaped hole, where a boiler seems to have once sat and we’re pretty sure none of us misplaced it. If it turns out however that we did, then we are dreadfully, dreadfully sorry.

Secondly, the oven is not working and neither are the hobs. Again if this does turn out to be our fault, then we apologise unreservedly.

Finally, the lovely surprise of a beanbag in the front room, was a very welcome one until it turned out to not be a beanbag at all but, instead, a sack of rats. If they were a present for us then we do truly appreciate the sentiment but would quite like them removed.

We hope we have not inconvenienced you in any way.

Have a most wonderful day!

Yours Faithfully,

Sweet, Innocent, Naïve Tenants

P.S We have sent you some lashings of Ginger Beer as a pre-emptive thank you.

One Week Later…

Dear Mr. Landlord,

We hope you are quite well.

Really sorry to keep bothering you like this but I’m afraid none of the issues we referred to in our last email have been addressed and they have, in fact, got worse.

The water pipes have frozen, the oven seems to be leaking large volumes of gas and the rats, which we fear are now diseased, have multiplied. Could you please take a look at these new problems?

We hope we have not inconvenienced you at all.

Have a mostly wonderful day!

Yours with slightly wavering faith,

Sweet, Innocent, Naïve Tenants

Two Months Later…

 Oi Prat!

Please send help immediately!

The cold and lack of food has slowly worn us down. Six days ago Gerry stood up and, in an admirably reserved voice, said, “I am just going outside and may be some time.” We have not heard from him since. In fact, the only heat we have felt since moving in, was when the oven exploded, taking Judy with it. And now with Jimmy contracting the Black Death, this really is the last straw!

Basically if you don’t sort everything out right now we will only have one thing to resort to; telling our parents!

Oh and Merry Christmas!

Yours with zero faith and a tiny bit of absolute pure disdain,

Cold, Hungry, Plague Ridden Tenants

P.S All of our parents are lawyers

One Day Later…

Dear Mr. Landlord,

Thank you so much for promptly fixing the oven, installing a boiler and dealing with the rat problem; your cooperation is very much appreciated.

I am sure we can now put this whole experience behind us.

Yours Sincerely,

The Survivors

One Year Later…

Dear Tenants,

I am writing to inform you that your security deposit for your rental period will unfortunately not be refunded. This is due to the presence of the words; ‘GET OUT WHILE YOU STILL CAN! OH SWEET, INNOCENT, NAÏVE TENANTS! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!’ written several times on the living room walls and ceiling, in red paint.

As I am unable to find a postal address for your next stated residence; ‘The Afterlife’, I will send the receipts of the deposit to your parents.

Lots of Love,

Mr. Landlord x

Feature image by Abbi Allen. 


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