Non-Pretentious Law Student Discovered

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Cambridge University scientists have been searching for years in the hope of detecting what they describe as “non-execrable” sentient life within law departments at universities across the United Kingdom. The project, established in 1994, has hoped that the search for this hypothesised life form will aid future attempts in searching for extra-terrestrial life, intelligent life at Solent, or non-bigoted life in Saudi Arabia. A multi-million pound government grant funded this project, keeping with the government policy of transferring our national wealth to greasy haired lawyers.

Finally, the long-awaited breakthrough has come. The specimen, a 19 year old second year Law student at Southampton University known only as Student F to protect the privacy and dignity of his/her family after a High Court superinjunction, has been fully examined physically and mentally by government scientists at a secret research facility and found to be free of objectionable personality traits. Testing showed Student F was able to respond to stressful scenarios without quoting a legal decision from 1928 to back up their position. When cross-examined by a psychoanalyst, the Subject apparently responded to the questions in a considered manner, taking context of what was said into account. The typical behaviour, of course, is to grab onto one misspoken sentence like a dog to a pork chop and get argumentative over it. Unfortunately, the future is not so bright for Student F, there is no way he/she will be able to get a training contract and work within the field without being a tosser, but it can be hard for Law graduates to work in any other field, being tainted as they are.

Project head, Professor Clive Boffins of the Institute for Experts at Cambridge, told Pause that the results were “absolutely breathtaking” and he didn’t believe the test results when they first came in. “I dropped my jaw when I saw this set of data”, he told us while stroking his white beard. The student will greatly enrich science according to this interview, a detailed survey with the finest psychologists and doctors will confirm the preliminary findings: believed to be the greatest breakthrough since a Geography student who didn’t own a North Face item of clothing and 36 colours of crayon was discovered at Loughborough University in 1987.

A representative of the Law department has apologised profoundly for this lapse in a normally rigorous admissions process. There is talk of Law applicants being made to complete a supplementary personality test as part of their UCAS form, to ensure that only the “egotistical wise-guys”, as the spokeswoman put it, are offered places to study law at any British university.

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Pause Editor 2015-7, History student on Erasmus, maker of low-quality satire. When not writing for Pause, I dabble in Travel and Politics.

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