The Simple Contract For Every UoS Student


September 2019

Dear students,

You have accepted your place at the University of Southampton and will begin your studies on 30/09/2019. You will experience 3 life-changing years here, which require your consent to the following terms and conditions:

Terms and Conditions of Consent

Clauses (the University)

  1. There shall be no attempt made to save you any money during your studies at all, ever.
  2. There shall be shameless plugging of lecturers’ own books during lectures, seminars and of course on your reading lists.
  3. There shall be potential political scandals that result in a national debate.
  4. During feedback sessions with your personal tutor, there are no rules regarding how far they may go to berate your work and we may not be held responsible for any emotional turmoil that is caused.
  5. There shall be gross overpayments of our vice-chancellor, which are completely okay.
  6. There shall be at least 3 occasions on campus per year where you can pet farm animals/therapy dogs.
  7. Every attempt shall be made to ensure that these are the best 3 years of your life and that you graduate.
  8. There shall be attempts made to embarrass ‘the student’ in lectures by asking them questions that they are very unprepared for.
  9. Every attempt will be made to schedule all essays, assignments and assessments for the same week.
  10. Where possible, we will ensure that Hartley library is kept extremely overcrowded during exam season.


Clauses (The Student)

  1. Failure to attend any lectures before 12pm on a Wednesday (after a heavy night in Sobar) will be completely and utterly understood and accepted.
  2. Whilst attending the university, there are no rules surrounding what it is okay to wear to a 9am lecture. Acceptable attire includes, but is not limited to: pyjamas, joggers, leggings, suits, fancy dress, etc.
  3. You must post every trip to the library, gym, and 9am lectures on social media using the appropriate hashtags, e.g. #Hustling #Gains #UniLife.
  4. You shall engage in petty halls rivalry and sing degrading songs whilst drunk on the night bus about your rival halls.
  5. You shall buy a fresher’s events wristband from the SU and be grossly disappointed by the standard of the events.
  6. No attempts will be made to refer to yourself as a BNOC (Big Name On Campus)… a real BNOC would never do that!
  7. You must become a member of Crushampton on Facebook and become absolutely obsessed with checking if you’ve had a post written about you.
  8. You shall accept the hellish reign that the extremely oversized rats have over the city.
  9. You shall have a near-death experience whilst trekking up Church Lane to a lecture.
  10. You shall experience major FOMO (Fear of Missing Out) when all of your friends go on a year abroad.



Student Signature_______________________________



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