An Idiot Abroad: How to Be British on Holiday

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Is Butlins full up this year? Did you not manage to collect all of The Sun holiday coupons this time? If the Wetherspoon’s beer garden no longer gives you that special tingly feeling down below and B&M have sold out of their paddling pools, why not immerse yourself in some worldly culture and jet off abroad? If this is all new territory for you then fear not, I have some top tips in order to help you make the most of your experience.

1. Take the opportunity to learn the language of wherever you’re going in order to become at one with the locals

Download a handy app like Duolingo and convince yourself that you will become perfectly fluent in the language of your choice after reading up to your holiday. Who cares if you dropped out of Year 9 French and got a D in GCSE Spanish? Your grandad’s cousin’s wife was a bit Italian, so it’s in your blood. Learning a language from scratch can’t be that hard, especially when you’re British because that means you’re automatically cleverer than everyone else.

Impress your friends and show the staff you appreciate them by rolling a saliva-filled ‘GRAZEE’ to a terrified waitress who, as she has demonstrated throughout the evening, actually speaks fluent English. But, you’re showing a respect for their culture, and that’s much more valuable than any possible tip. Also, you want to save those couple of Euros for a Magnum tomorrow.

2. Explore all the famous landmarks of the country by literally never leaving the resort

Ah, Rome… The city of love, art and spaghetti. What could be more romantic than exploring this vibrant city with your loved ones? Getting up at 7am to mark your territory at the hotel pool with a Minions beach towel, that’s what. You pick up all these different brochures and leaflets at the airport, determined to have the holiday of your dreams, but 20 Euros for a taxi? Us Brits aren’t made of money. With three meals, access to the lukewarm swimming pool and quality entertainment by X Factor’s Same Difference in the evenings, who needs to go anywhere else?

3. Go out of your comfort zone and appreciate different ways of living

Everyone knows that the first rule of any good holiday abroad is to find a resort that is commercialised beyond any cultural recognition, entirely English-speaking and within a ten mile radius of a McDonald’s. Sometimes, when somebody tries to talk to you in Spanish during your holiday in Spain, you might find the authenticity of the experience ruined. The best way to combat this is in one of three ways: get someone to plait your hair with string, get a spray-on tattoo or treat yourself to a foot spa, where little fish can nibble away at your bigotry.

4. Complain all year that Britain is too cold, and then when you’re in a hot country complain that it’s too hot

It might be noon in the middle of August in a country famed for its warm climate, but you didn’t expect it to be quite this hot. The 5ml travel-size SPF 7 sun cream should really be more than enough for a 4-week cruise. All you want to do is get a rich golden tan, like that nice lady off the telly, but instead you find yourself glowing a radioactive pink as chunks of your flesh are singed off. It’s all part of the tanning process, though – it will turn brown soon.

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Wessex Scene Editor // meme queen // fan of chocolate digestives // @colombochar on Twitter.

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