How to Ride on Rebellion Coattails When You Don’t Wear Clothes: A Guide to Ractivism

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Disclaimer: This article is satirical in nature and does not intend to discredit or demean any vitally important human rights campaigns or movements.

Ever since humans learnt to communicate, they have been protesting against something. Many things in life demand to be changed and many fearless parties have made the sacrifice of protesting thus. Southampton itself is not free from such radical ideologies either, with the latest activist group lining the city’s streets and sewers, demanding the recognition they deserve: these valiant beings being none other than the Portswood Rats.

After the troubling times in 1945, the UN devised a list of 30 basic Human Rights. The rights of people have been added to and adapted since before this time and continue to be so today. The self-proclaimed Ractivists are taking drastic measures to demand the same rights as their human equals. The latest bought of dangerous protests have resulted in many Portswood homes being broken into, with rats passionately requesting the same rights as humans by entering through holes, doorways, windows, and even toilets. This fearless type of activism has been echoed throughout history by groups such as the Suffragettes, and Portswood is now the home of drastic social rebellion.

The surge of ractivism in the modern day has been anticipated for some years due to the rodents’ missing out on being included in the Animal Welfare Act which protects domesticated animals against a variety of abuse. The rats have shaken themselves from the reins of domesticated life and gone straight to the alpha species, to demand from humans the very same rights that they have granted themselves. There have been a variety of staged protests that have recently occurred and that have created a lot of public commotion in the aftermath.

Basic human rights include food and shelter for all, and the right to seek a safe place. Local Ractivists have clearly protested against their exclusion from this bill, while exercising their belief in the freedom to move and the right to public assembly. A large collection of the rodents often gets reported for being unsanitary for human life, but this is exactly the type of discrimination that is being protested against. The most important human right that the rats are requesting is that nobody can take away your human rights, but they are now making a direct motion towards Parliament to request that this includes everyone, rats and all.

But it’s not just the rats that are rebelling. Students at the university have seen a surge in sacrificial rebellion, with fellow vermin, the humble pigeon, making the ultimate sacrifice to protest the construction of the new centenary building and demanding, not just the right to exist, but the right to have a voice on what is happening in their local area and skyline. With the average rat being 32 times smaller than the average human, it is clear that drastic action is needed for the kind of social change that is being yearned for.

The Portswood rats continue every day to demand equal rights, but this has yet to come to fruition. So, next time a rat climbs through your toilet and passes out on the bathroom floor, take mercy on this martyr for its cause, and look inside your rebellious heart and protest for equal rodent rights.

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A philosophy student with a penchant for uncertain puns

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