Disclaimer: This article is satirical in nature and does not intend to discredit or demean any vitally important human rights campaign or movement. Furthermore, any views expressed within this article are entirely the author’s own and are not attributable to Wessex Scene as a whole.
Following on from the breakthrough Union-University Relationship Agreement, SUSU and the University Vice-Chancellor have agreed to jointly endorse a new charter for the rights of students at the University of Southampton. The Vice-Chancellor, whose identity remains a mystery to the vast majority of students, was reportedly very keen to engage with discussions, much to the surprise of all parties.
Negotiations reportedly began with the suggestion that all students should be declared equal. This was quickly vetoed by representatives of the Medicine and Engineering Societies, who correctly pointed out that if every student was equal then Humanities Students would have to pay significantly less in tuition fees. The main points of the agreement instead centre on a guarantee of fair and democratic treatment for students at a similar standard to SUSU’s new partner organisation: Pyongyang University SU.
A summary of the charter was provided to Wessex Scene:
The first principle of the charter stipulates that all students have the right to take time away from their studies to relax. Suggested relaxing activities include visits to Hartley Library, writing assignments at 5AM, or going for a nice, relaxing Personal Academic Tutor meeting.
We understand that some students have tried to engage in so-called ‘sports’, so the University and SUSU will continue to work to discourage this activity by making Sports and Wellbeing membership cost so much that even Manchester City probably wouldn’t bother with it.
The second principle of the charter recognises the right for students to choose what they eat. This principle particularly applies to the now marginalised meat-eater community, who have recently been cruelly limited in their choice of places to eat to all but one café on campus.
To avoid something awful like this ever happening again, and threatening the rights and freedoms upon which our civilisation is based, all future vegan or vegetarian eateries on campus will offer a meat option of quinoa salad with steak, but without the quinoa or the salad.
Finally, the third principle is that all students have the right to remain silent. It has been brought to the attention of SUSU that some lecturers think it is acceptable to ask questions in 9AM lectures on a Thursday. Students clearly cannot seriously be expected to say anything academically coherent before midday, or indeed after.