Sadly, given the greenery of Highfield Campus, there are no badgers, swans or geese with lasers living on the campus. Rather, the nature spotter must look for an altogether different sort of wildlife. Homo Undergraduatus is a commonly spotted but misunderstood species that dominates the area of Highfield Campus. We can subdivide this extraordinarily diverse species into many different subspecies, this article will explore some of the more interesting types.
It takes all sorts to become a nurse but after three years of rigorous cleaning up after other people and getting covered in god-knows-what in the process, they become surprisingly similar. The Nursing student is a pack animal, wandering around campus in large groups. Their social behaviour is largely based on speculation, back-stabbing and gossip. Nurses, with their day studies and future jobs revolving around body parts, know far more about their friends than could possibly be considered healthy. This gives ammunition for constant gossiping and catty games of Never Have I Ever. The species is migratory with frequent placements to places as far afield as Portsmouth, the Isle of Wight and Basingstoke – the town you take your Northern friends to if you need to prove that the South isn’t completely full of soft chinless wonders. In dress they are unremarkable on campus and so the species must be distinguished by the unique social structure it possesses.
This subspecies covers several breeds in their own right, but who can be considered similar enough. Generally speaking although the archetype of the subspecies is Mathematicus, we can extend most of the traits into Engineering and Physics. Identified by a buttoned-up shirt, the plumage of pens in the top pocket is one of nature’s marvels. This subspecies also has notably pale skin from spending all time indoors studying, and is often emaciated, helpless and totally reliant on the surrogate mother of halls catering for feeding. Those who have flown from the nest have a diet primarily of pot noodles and doritos. Socially a solitary creature, they interact primarily through their laptop computers, which they can use to communicate with other members of the same species. The gender imbalance here is more marked than in other subspecies but without the competition. Rather than increasing the stakes of mating rituals, most of this subspecies are frightened and intimidated by the women in their ranks.
The most magnificently plumed of them all, the arty-farty as they are better known, dresses like they’ve just robbed their grandparent’s wardrobe. A rarer sight on Highfield, this subspecies is commonly confined to Avenue Campus. Socially they interact mainly through moody Instagram photos and tumblr accounts, although have been known to socialise in groups like the rest of the wildlife in this delicate ecosystem. Their diet is the most refined of all the subspecies, they require Waitrose [insert unspellable ‘food’ name of your choice]and loose leaf green tea to fuel them through their three contact hours a month. They do not rise from bed before noon but could hardly be considered nocturnal, the average Humanities student sleeps 17 hours a day, rising only to eat, post moody selfies and do the one chapter a week of required reading.
Characterised by an inability to walk without knuckles dragging on the ground, this subspecies can be identified by wearing his t-shirt from when he and the lads went On Tour to a grotty Spanish resort and the mating call of ‘TOP BANTER’. The social structure of this grouping involves getting naked far more often than necessary, as if the tight chino shorts worn by all didn’t reveal enough. He dines on a diet of Nando’s and Manzil’s, inexplicably not having constant food poisoning.
There are many other prominent subspecies the observer can see on Highfield Campus, not to mention the related species group of Homo Postgradus, which has much the same but of a moody disposition. We have sought to highlight some of the easiest to spot species. If you see an unidentified new breed or subspecies, please write the description on the back of a £20 note and send it in. We will contact you.